Morton... Like the salt

And now is when I rant as an Army wife about Pinterest.

2011-11-05T18:43:00.000-04:00

There is a picture on Pinterest that is circulating around. It show a young, pregnant woman at a "welcome home" ceremony for a soldier. She has "welcome home daddy" on her pregnant belly and the caption (I guess from the news station) says that her husband has been in Iraq for 12 months.

I know, I know. Pregnancy=9 months. Daddy gone=12 months. Whore. Right? That seems to be everyone's consensus on this photo in question, and I have seen similar before with other photos. Now I get that not everyone is aware of "how things work" in the military, and people still seem confused when I explain it.

But here is an explanation: deployment is set to be 12 months long. The military establishment realizes this is a LONG time to be gone for, so they give their men and women that are deployed a 15 day R&R leave. Basically, sometime in the year they are supposed to be gone, they get to be ungone. That's not a word but they get to come home for 2 weeks. So let's say Susie's husband leaves in January and is due back the following January. He has an R&R in June. Comes home for 2 weeks. Hasn't seen his wife in months. What do they do? Have sex. Lots of it. Several times a day. Because THEY CAN. And they missed eachother. Husband returns to duty station overseas. Susie is pregnant. If Susie and husband conceived in June (we will just say June 12th so I can use an online calculator to figure the next part out), her due date is approximately March 4th-ish. So when hubby gets back from Iraq, his wife would be 7 months pregnant.

So while I get the initial "wtf?" when seeing an image of a pregnant lady when her hubby comes home from 12 months away, it is possible without her being a whore. So stop saying that. Educate yourselves a little bit people. It's insulting to me to think that if I got pregnant on my husbands leave, people might see that and refer to me as a whore when I am faithful to my husband. What if this girl happens to see her own picture on the internet with people saying she is a whore, and a slut?! How would YOU feel if you knew that you were pregnant with your husbands child and people were essentially accusing you of cheating on him? All over the internet. Where anyone could see it, and recognize you.

Educate yourselves.

Inside my random ramblings and stressing.

2011-11-05T18:11:00.000-04:00

Ever since the decision was made to separate from the Army at the end of his contract, I have stressed, over thought EVERYTHING and barely slept because I am googling all possible scenarios for our situation(s). So I am posting a bliggity blog about all the things stressing me out in the hopes that someone will come to my house and slap me upside the head and say "calm down woman!" But maybe just a cyber slap in the head. OR if someone wants to tell me "I would be freaking the eff out right now if I was you" this is acceptable too and I can at least show my husband and be like "see, other people agree with my psychosis, that makes it ok!"

Anyways. Stressor #1-this house. Nothing wrong with it-yea, it's old, has it's quirks. But I fell in love with those quirks and with the changes we have made to this house, I really really love it. If I could pick this house up and take it with me to Oregon, I totally would. Unfortunately it is a historic house so the option to move it is not there. Plus I imagine moving 1600 sq ft of house 3000+ miles is... More money than it would be worth.

So why leave it at all? You ask. Good question. My answer is this: family. Home. This is not, nor will it ever be, my home because home is where the heart is and my heart never really left Oregon. Georgia is not a terrible place-I know I may have made it seem this way but honestly aside from the death heat in the summers and the lack of Jack in the Box and Dutch Bros Coffee, it's not a bad place. But my family is not here. If there was a military base in Oregon that we could be stationed at, we might consider staying in because most of our strain that we feel being military is that there is no support here family-wise. A lot of people are able to find family within the military but I have not been able to do this, and it's not the same as having your blood sisters that you grew up with living in the same town. Sorry to my Army friends, you are awesome and I love all of you. But you aren't my big sister. I am tired of spending the holidays away from family. And to get out of the Army only to stay 3000 miles away from them would be a waste. Might as well stay in-which is not really something my husband seems to keen on at this point.

Basically, without the Army telling us to live in Georgia, we have zero ties to this place (aside from the house) so our only option is to go home one way or another.

Way one to go home: sell this place we just bought a year ago. I don't expect a profit, and will be shocked if we break even with the sale of the house to be brutally honest with myself. I love my house but I know it's not worth any more than we are paying for it. Because we have only been here a year, using a realtor would mean that we would have to come up with some cash to be able to sell it since they get a percentage in commissions, or up the price to compensate so we break even and pay the realtor. But as I stated before, the house is worth what we are paying (in my oh so expert opinion on houses) and I would feel bad having someone else overpay for this house, even if it would be to my benefit.

Option two to go home: FSBO. Sell it ourselves. Save the realtor fees. But take on all of the stuff a realtor is paid to do-that 4-7% they make is for a reason! With two kids (if this happens after march), a husband deploying soon (possibly) and several pets. I seriously don't know that I even consider this as a real option but in my incessant 2 AM googling, it came up as an option that sounds like maybe a supplement to option three. Who knows.

Option three: Become mysterious landlords that live 3000 miles away and have a management company handle everything for us. Probably going to go with this, as much as I hate the idea of someone living in "my house"-and I know, I know. I need to separate myself from this house and just view it as it is-a piece of property. But dammit I love this house! But there are weird legal things that we would have to do, paying taxes up front, our homeowners would go up because we wouldn't reside in the house, legal insurancey thingys. Lots of stuff. And if it doesn't rent out for any period of time-we take that hit and have to pay for that month? Eesh. Scary. Not quite as scary as the idea of some weirdo living in my beautiful house ruining the original wood floors. They probably won't put pads on the bottom of the furniture or use the right kind of cleaner. My eye is twitching.

There are pros and cons to all of these of course. Unfortunately in all of the scenarios, cons seem to outweigh the pros and none of them sound good enough to me. But this could be my over-stressing, hormonal, worried and pregnant self just being a negative nancy. Which is not like me. I normally am overly optimistic about everything-to a fault almost. It's all just so unknown. "What if it doesn't sell?" "What if we can't find a renter?" I am needing to remind myself to let it go, what will be will be, it's in God's hands and he will never steer us wrong but I do.not.like.not.knowing.

AND THEN. There is the whole "moving back to Oregon" fiasco. We have five pets. Excuse us for being animal lovers. Most places accept zero pets. Some accept 1 pet-under 20 lbs. By my math, we have about 100 lbs of animals. So we could just rent out like 5 places with 20 lb weight limits and it would all even out right? No. Thats not how that works, silly head.

So it takes us back to really the only option for pet lovers: buy a house. No one can tell you what to do with your own house (with the exception of historic houses in our area where they have some really weird rules about things we can do to the house) And if this house sells-this would be an option maybe. But lets say we buy a house out there after this one sells, move in, can't find jobs. Yea. These things are all rolling around in my head. Constantly. Now, we could buy my moms old house-it's $23,000 and is a manufactured home in a nice "park"-near my big sister, my grandparents and in the town we both grew up in. Ideal. Minus their weight limit for pets allowed-under 20 lbs. We could cut Laydie in half and she would still be over their limit. And getting rid of her is not an option. We have had her longer than we have had our son and call me a sap but after all the money we have spent on this dog, she is staying with us gosh darnit. We spent too much time bringing her back to health to just hand her off to anyone else. They don't deserve a dog this awesome.

Maybe a family member we see often could take her, we could buy my mom's (super cheap) house and live decently on what we should be able to save between now and then-and if we got jobs, then we could hold onto that savings for renovations (we love renovations)

I know that thinking about it all now and panicking is doing no one any good but it's in my nature unfortunately and this is a big change with a lot of "what ifs" and "oh no". Worst case scenario: we can't sell or rent this house, are stuck in Georgia trying to find jobs in the 'brokest city in the US'-according to some report in a magazine or something. Eventually lose this house in foreclosure and are stuck, homeless, in the brokest city in the US. Granted, 98% of this probably won't happen. But it could. So could a zombie apocalypse. 2012 is real y'all. The Mayans couldn't possibly have just... stopped making that calendar at that point in time. It's clearly a sign. The end is coming. So then none of this random rambling matters. It's all a moot point since we all die in 2012 anyways.

I think I need a drink. Come on March. Get here so I can... continue to not drink since I will be breastfeeding a baby. Sigh. There is no hope for me. If you read all this, I am truly sorry and you probably need a drink yourself after a walk inside my mind. I have Inception style thought processes. Thoughts within thoughts. Problems within problems. Scenarios within scenarios. Is that really what Inception was about? I don't even remember. I saw it. Still don't know. This is where I request more thoughts, prayers and naked tree dances please. Take a shot (or 10) for me.

The Time Has Come...

2011-10-31T14:54:00.005-04:00

To say goodbye. To the Army. I am throwing it out there. We didn't discuss if we were going to make a "big announcement" about it or not, but I kind of need a place to put it all down, maybe that will help me stress out less. (sorry if you didn't want me to say anything yet honey :P ) Also we need prayers. If you don't pray, good thoughts would be lovely. If you don't think... You may be dead, so probably not reading this.

I'm going to be honest and say I have been 'done' with the Army since I was 37 weeks pregnant with our first child and they still sent my husband to NTC 3,000 miles away. (That was over 2 years ago to put it into a timeframe for ya) But the realization that the Army's #1 priority is the Army-and whatever the government is telling them to do-didn't sit well with me-specifically didn't sit well with pregnant me. My son was my #1, and the Army basically disagreed and Momma Bear didn't like that. But I stuck it out because I love my husband. And he is a soldier, he signed up to defend this great country we live in, which is such an honorable thing to do, that I sucked it up and quit bitching (for the most part). If he could be selfless enough to possibly die for his country I could shut up and support him in that. How and why did I do it? I just did. Because that's what I had to do to be with the man I love, so that my son (and future sons/daughters) can have their father. I didn't like it, but this is the career he had chosen, so it is/was my job to stick by him. As long as he was happy, I would support him.

There came a point where he was not happy. I don't know when/if there was a specific day/event that 'caused it' but my husband was always a pretty laid back, go with the flow, take it all in stride kind of a man. Then I started noticing he wasn't so... Laid back. He has been working on ranking up since we got married basically and it's down to points, and the points for his job are insanely high, he needs to do these courses to get any real amount of points, but with his work schedule, there is no time for doing that if he ever wants to see us-you know, his family. Plus his particular job is "dying"-basically being replaced by civilians doing the same job (for more money) so he would have to reclass for a new job with lower points for promotion, but there would have to be spots open, and that alone could take quite some time-it's all very complicated to me, I don't fully understand it and can guarantee there are some errors in how i am explaining it but you get the gist. Just a lot of red tape-and he has basically been acting as the next rank up for awhile now, but not getting paid as one. He puts in the time, does the work but is still making the same as the soldiers he is in charge of, and it's getting to him. And with rumors of another deployment coming up next summer, someone else with less time on this post and less time in the Army and virtually no leadership skills/knowledge got promoted before him and it's too much even for him.

I missed my husband, I missed having him around. Our son misses him when he works late (which is every.single.day.) and I finally said something. I think that maybe hearing it from me that I could see he wasn't happy is when it clicked that... He wasn't.

And I can't help feeling like maybe, just maybe, all of the things that are going "wrong" in his chosen career are God's (or the universe's-whatever you believe) way of telling us we don't belong here anymore. Looking back, there are a lot of events that had I thought of it at the time, maybe I should have stopped and listened to that tiny voice but instead of listening we trudged through and stuck it out and ignored that voice and now... We are not doing well in this life that we are living. Something is telling me we should be heading in a WAY different direction than we are now. I don't know how my husband feels about this but I am a big believer in "signs" and there are some big fat ones on this road tellings us to stop and we are going the wrong way.

I am grateful for everything the Army affords/has afforded us-don't get me wrong, there are some amazing benefits to being military. It's just for us, at this point in our lives, the benefits are no longer outweighing the negatives-the financial security is not worth the mental toll it takes on us. I am scared to be away from the job security of the military, not going to lie. I am scared to try to find a job after being a stay at home mom for so long. I am scared we won't be able to sell the house we just bought. I am scared for so many things but I am more excited. To be home. To be free. To be able to decide for ourselves what our priorities in life are, not have someone else telling us what has to be most important. I look forward to spending holidays with each other and the rest of our family instead of alone.

I don't know how it will all work out. A lot depends on selling this house that we literally JUST bought. I am not looking forward to that process. I wish we had decided a long time ago to 'get out' but... The plan was to stay in indefinitely. Plans change. They have to change. I know it will be tough, money will be tight for a long while I am guessing. I hope my kids like Ramen ;) But it is a necessary move for our family and our marriage.

I don't want my family to get too excited-things could change, the process could be longer than we think. What if the world really DOES end in 2012?! What then? July 2013 is when he is supposed to "get out" but that doesn't mean we will absolutely be home right away. We are still working out a plan-which is subject to change at any time. Just pray, think good thoughts, hug a tree, dance naked around a tree... I don't really care what you do, just send some positivity our way please :) We need it. I know that everything will work out in the end, I am confident in that but the end is so far away that I need some confidence boosters now.

DIY Cupcake Stand For Less Than $7

2011-10-05T11:46:00.000-04:00

My son's second birthday is coming up and we are planning on really doing it up this year in a halloween theme. I am really excited for it. I have been pinning stuff all over pinterest for everything I want to do :) I pinned a few tutorials for making cupcake stands out of burner covers from the dollar store. I thought "I can do that!" So I did.

I was not able to find the burner covers at my local dollar tree and didn't want to make the trip to Walmart to buy them. Luckily I did manage to find these cute "silver" trays with some interesting etching on them that would work.

I started with three of the silver trays, 2 glass candleholders and a $0.97 can of paint from walmart (I guess I could have gotten the burner covers couldn't I?) Oh well. Grand total: $6.38 (after tax) I decided to paint the trays black, although they could look ok with their 'natural' silver look to them, I just felt like black was more suited to a halloween birthday. I toyed with the idea of doing each in a different fun color but for the sake of cohesiveness, didn't.

First I painted the trays black. One coat at a time. This is the three of them after their first coat.

Now, if you have a table that you LIKE, I suggest newspaper to protect your cherished table. But if you are like me and just so happen to possess a table that is weather beaten and ready for a visit to the dump, paint away :)

Once all the paint dried, I brought out my trusty hot glue gun. I figured I would try to use this to fasten it all together first. I may be trying again with something else. Hot gluing glass to smooth metal is not secure enough for my taste but should work for his birthday at the very least. I did a band of glue around the base of the glass, then did another around the outside of the glass once it was all fastened.

The top is a little off from the other two layers so I will fix that but it is not bad for my first attempt. RIGHT?! I figure no one is really going to be paying too close of attention to my cupcake stand, hopefully the cupcakes are good enough no one notices how messy the construction actually is :)

All in all, for $6.38, it doesn't look terrible, considering I have seen cupcake stands for $30 or more. I'm too cheap for that.

And so it begins...

2011-07-13T21:14:00.001-04:00

I figured with the randomness that is my blog, I may as well turn it right back into what it started with-a pregnancy blog. So... In case you didn't already know... Yep we are surely expecting. At least according to the three tests I took, and they say 99% effective. So I guess for now I am believing them. August 1st I get in to see an OB and get an ultrasound to know "for sure. But I basically already do. My dearest Aunt-i think many women and I share this Aunt-her name is Flo-she hasn't been around to visit, and her normal visitation schedule called for her coming about a week ago. So there is that.

Then there is the other lovely side effects of nurturing a beautiful life in your womb. Here is the current rundown-I would warn that there will be some TMI, but I highly suspect 98% of people who read this are either pregnant or have been there and will just agree. But I really I think I am the only one that cares about this and I don't think there is such thing as TMI when talking to yourself. I do however think there is a level of mental instability in a person who frequently talks to themself. Hm something to consider next time I blog. My spell checker is telling my themself is not a word. But I don't know what else to use so yea...

Whacked out freaky hormones

Last night, I tried to have a sane, simple conversation with my husband. It was a rather serious subject that apparently was tear worthy. I was trying to present to him my case for not circumcising any future children and I freaking lost it. Bawled my eyes out talking about it. Ended up sending a lengthy message to a dear friend and crying the whole damn time I wrote the message. It is a serious subject and something I DO seriously regret doing to my little boy but the pregnancy hormones take that to a whole new level.

I also question my choice in the house we bought and cried in the shower about that this morning as the water switched back and forth between cold and hot. I think I cried TO the actual shower head like it was spitting cold water on me. "Why are you cold? Just stop! Please." Imagine a bloated woman in the shower crying at her showerhead like she is in a horror movie and it is the killer. Yea. It was like that.

Boobs

Hello Dolly! Not only are they just increasing in size by the day, I don't know that they have ever hurt this bad. Numero Uno Child did a dive onto me earlier. I can't really describe the move he did but it somehow ended in little needles coming out of his knee and inserting into my breast. Which is obviously not what really happened, just how it felt. Unless my son is a wolverine spin off. Move over Hugh Jackman.

Also-there is really no reason for me to know this without admitting to squeezing my nipples but they are really sore too. I don't know what it is but there is this weird fascination in early pregnancy with all symptoms. Maybe it's because there is no movement or outward 'proof' of the pregnancy, we have to find all the things that tell us we are pregnant (that giant second line on the test is apparently not enough) So if I need to do a little nipple tweaking to 'feel pregnant' damnit let me tweak my nipples! Or I might cry.

But aside from the crazy lady crying in the kitchen about circumcision, and yelling at my showerhead while I feel my nipples, I wouldn't know I was pregnant. Which is a little disconcerting. Especially when you were trying to get pregnant, and if you belong to a message board-yea one of those old soon-to-be extinct mommy boards-and you see people try and finally get that "BFP" or big fat positive, only to suffer a miscarriage-the first trimester sucks! I realize that was a run on sentence that had no cohesive flow but it made sense in my mind. Don't judge me.

But this whole overanalysis craziness does not stop with nipple tweakage. It goes further. I don't know if there was ever a time in my life that I analyzed toilet paper QUITE so much. Just searching for any hint of red-that is not good. Bleeding during pregnancy CAN be normal but to any pregnant woman who has ever bled-thoughts take off into the danger zone and tears fall at an alarming rate. I remember when I was around 28 weeks pregnant with my son. I was 'home' in Oregon. Even though I was in a relatively "safe" time frame in pregnancy-viability is like 24 weeks-I still did the wipe and check and found that terrifying color of red. I could feel the blood drain from my face and I cried and called my husband into the bathroom-modesty takes a backseat when you feel your child is in danger. Luckily it turned out to just be some random infection of some sort. Antibiotics took care of it. But thats not the point. The entire first 12-13 weeks of pregnancy are obsessively checking toilet paper, searching for and dreading that sight of red. I have dreams about it, I think about it. Its sad how often blood enters my thoughts. But as long as it never enters my vagina, I am fine :) When you aren't checking for blood on toilet paper, you swear you can feel it. Again, I could warn that it is TMI but since I am just talking to myself, it's ok. During pregnancy this thing called "vaginal discharge" or "cervical mucus" happens. It's disgusting and I should probably buy stock in carefree pantiliners now, but it's terrifying to be cooking dinner and feel even the slightest "gush"-for lack of a less disgusting term.

All in all, I feel relatively ok, I am 5 weeks and 1 day, so I am no where near the end of the toilet paper checking. And probably should not be making a huge announcement such as this all full of TMIs until I get an ultrasound or blood work done or have a psychic tell me I am pregnant or something but I am reminding myself no one else will read it :) So it's ok and no one will know.

Tips To Save Part 3: Saving on the necessities

2011-04-15T21:57:00.000-04:00

Aright, I have covered coming up with a budget. And I also talked about some bills a little bit and how to save on those constant bills and which bills can be cut if need be. But what about those other things that are 'constant' but not something you get a monthly bill for? Like food-you have to eat, you have to feed your family, and your pets if you have them. You have to put gas in the car to GO anywhere. And ya gotta brush your teeth or else you might end up with a much bigger bill from the dentist.

Saving on Food:

Tip #1: Meal Planning

Planning your meals ahead of time is the easiest and fastest way to cut down on grocery bills. Have you ever gone to the store to get bread and milk and come back with $100 in groceries? AND you forget the bread and milk. Planning your meals is a great way to cut back on that random spending-and you don't HAVE to cook everything from scratch-although that is an excellent way to save too. For instance-I know that we get paid on the first and the fifteenth of every month. So I figure out what we will eat for two weeks (ish) between paydays. So fourteen dinners. I know with certain things I will always have leftovers-like my spaghetti, I always end up with twice as much as I need. So I can either eat spaghetti again the next night or a few days later. OR another great way to save is to freeze that spaghetti sauce for another night somewhere down the road that I don't feel like cooking. That way when I don't feel like cooking, all I will have to do is boil some noodles-which even in my worst mood is do-able.

Add to your list some breakfast foods, and stuff for lunch as well. The goal with meal planning is to eat out as little as possible.

Tip #2: Make it Yourself!

I don't have any dollar amounts as to how much you would save making food from scratch. I know that boneless ribeye steak at my local grocery store was $7.99/lb. Red potatoes are $2.99 for a 5lb bag. Birds eye bagged veggies are 50% off at my local grocery store-according to my receipt I paid $1.20 for some, and only $0.90 for others. 1lb of steak could easily feed 2 people-when you go to steakhouses, they usually have 7oz sirloins-and I can never finish it, so really it could feed 3 people. 5 lbs of potatoes would be a lot for two people-so one bag could go to several meals. And we use bagged veggies a lot-and 1 bag is easily enough to feed all 3 of the members of my family. But for the sake of easier math-pretend you use the whole bag of potatoes ;)

$7.99 steaks

$2.99 potatoes

$1.20 bagged veggies

Total: $12.18 feeds a family of 3

Total from my family's last trip to a steakhouse chain: About $40. I save $27.82 by cooking steaks at home instead of going out to eat. And this is just one example of saving. I know it is nice to go out to eat and not have to cook-but when it gets down to it, it is not worth it-cooking at home is cheaper (almost 70% cheaper) WAY healthier-you KNOW what you are putting into your body, whereas at a restaurant it is almost always coated in some kind of grease or butter to make it look tastier. Plus, I dont know about you-but I like to SEE who is cooking my food.

Tip #3: Shop Sales/Clip Coupons

Probably my FAVORITE saving option. Why? Because I feel accomplished. I spent maybe an hour or two clipping and organizing coupons and organizing my shopping list for this weeks shopping trip. Two hours sounds like a ton of time, but I saved $82.88 doing this-roughly $41.44/hour. If you include the hour it probably took to do the grocery shopping with a hyper 18 month old-$27.63/hour. The way I like to see it is I get paid close to $30 an hour to grocery shop :) I know that is not actually money being handed to me-but it is pretty close-it is money staying in my bank account. I decided to do a separate blog post about my couponing, because it will need it's own post!

But as an example now-lets go back to that steak dinner I talked about. Let's take a look at how much that same steak dinner (steak, potatoes and bagged veggies) would cost without sales:

According to the store's ad, you save up to $4/lb on the $7.99/lb. So without sales steak=$11.99/lb.

The potatoes you save up to $2/5lb bag. So without sales potatoes=$4.99/5lb bag

The veggies were 50% off, and the most expensive ones I bought were $1.20-so $2.40/bag without sales.

Grand total: $19.38 without sales.

Grand total with sales: $12.18

Now, add onto the sale the coupons I had. I had 4 coupons for the veggies

2x$0.35 off 1 bag veggies

and

2x$0.75 off 3 bagged veggies

And the store I shop at (Publix) doubles coupons that are under $0.50, so the $0.35 were actually $0.70/1

Total of all coupons (after doubling) is $2.90

I bought 8-some were cheaper than $1.20, but we will pretend they were ALL $1.20 with the sale.

$1.20 sale price per bag

x 8 bags of veggies

$9.60 total for all veggies

-$2.90 coupons

$6.70 for 8 bags of veggies~$0.84 per bag.

Steak-$7.99

Potatoes-$2.99

Veggies-$0.84

Total for this meal (with coupons) $11.82

Planning your meals around what is on sale at that time is the BEST way to save on food. I mean, I saved $82.88 just using a few coupons and buying some things on sale-I didnt really even plan AROUND the sale items at all.

To summarize:

Eating out at restaurant for my family of 3: $40

Steak dinner for 3 without sales: $19.38

Steak dinner for 3 with sales: $12.18

Steak dinner for 3 with sales AND coupons: $11.82

Watch for sales on anything you use and try to stack coupons to get stuff for as cheap as possible-if not FREE. For instance-

This week publix has yoplait yoplus yogurt 4 packs on sale-buy one get one free, or $1 each.

You can print off two $1 off coupons (1 for each item) and get 8 cups of yogurt for FREE

This is one example this week-I have gotten free deodorants, body washes, dish soap etc. The list goes on. I will talk more about all my techniques later. But the same rules apply to food and hygiene products and cleaning products. Wait for sales, use coupons, get free stuff :)

Tips to Save Part 2: Cutting back on bills!

2011-04-15T17:42:00.004-04:00

Last post I started with the SIMPLEST part of surviving on a single income-writing out a budget! Now, I am going to give a little more info on how to save even more on the bills that you HAVE to pay, or to completely cut out bills you do not need to pay. Some of these you might look at and go "there is no way!" But if it is a choice between feeding your kids and these, I would hope you would choose your kids ;)

Bill #1 to cut back on: Cable/Internet

It kind of goes without saying that if you can't afford it-cable and internet are NOT necessities. If you are having trouble scraping by every month, these are the first things to go-or at the very least, cut WAY back on. You do not need 800 movie channels, I am sorry. HDTV is pretty but is it a necessity? To be a stay at home mom or even cut back on bills as a working mom(or dad!)-these are things you need to ask yourself. We had movie channels for awhile as an error on behalf of the cable company, and they were almost always the same movies! Over and over. I dont want to pay every month for the same movies. I can spend a dollar at redbox and get a new(ish) release-AND there are always codes out there for free rentals with redbox-MOVIENIGHT and BREAKROOM are two that I have used and gotten free rentals. A quick google search will come up with more. Sign up for their emails to get codes sent-sometimes when I rent, they email me that same night with a free rental code! I also got a free rental for it being my 1 year rentaversary. My point is you don't need the super expanded digital HDTV with DVR cable plan-it might be nice every once in awhile but you will not die without 300 different ESPN channels, I promise.

Bill #2 to cut back on: Phone

Cell phones are wonderful inventions aren't they? If you have a cell phone, you can completely get rid of a house phone to save money! Because it is mobile-it goes wherever you go! I know the iPhone 9 or whatever version they have out now is pretty cool-tons of awesome 'apps' and 'features' that other phones don't have. But at what cost? How much more is the monthly plan for an iPhone? What about blackberry? What about the Androids or droid or whatever. I went onto Verizon.com and compared some plans for different phones. I went with a mid-range plan of 900 minutes and their unlimited texting included-Talk and Text and the lowest internet plan available for that device.

Hm. Interesting. I used the same criteria for each phone set up-900 minute plan with text messaging included and the lowest internet plan available. The 'smartphones' and iPhones REQUIRE you to have the $30 plan just to own the phone. The LG has the option of the $30 plan but also lets you not have an internet plan at all if you dont want one, and offers a $10 75 MB plan. So by just NOT getting a smartphone you save $30 a month, not to mention that the iPhone was $200, and the LG was free. Do you NEED internet on your phone? No, it would be a convenience sometimes, sure. But you do not need that feature to survive. I promise you, no one was ever rushed into the ER needing resuscitation because they did not have internet on their phone. Take a look at your phone bill-if you have internet, check to see how much you actually use it. Same for your minute usage-see if it is really necessary to have the plan that you are paying for or if you could go with a lower price plan. You could save even more if you didnt go with the text messaging included plan. But I know that, even for a super saver like myself, text messaging is my main use on my phone-not the actual minutes :) But if I had to, I could not text and I would not miss it at all.

Now your cable and internet are kind of obvious ways to cut back-they are clearly not necessities. At least to me they are fairly obvious ways to cut back. But what about your other bills that ARE necessities-electricity, water, gas or propane, insurance on cars etc. I personally have utilized several methods to save in various areas-and while this is no way to make yourself rich or cut your bills in half-they are easy steps to take to cut back, and as we all know-every cent counts!

Power/Gas bill

Way to cut #1

Levelized billing, budget billing, flat rate billing etc. Most (if not all) electric companies and gas companies offer this billing option. Basically, they just take an average of your usage and you get a flat bill every month. That way, instead of paying $300 in gas bills in the winter and $50 in the summer months, you get a bill every month that is always constant. So there are no surprises. You won't go broke trying to keep your house warm in the winter and cool in the summer. They might require at least 12 months bills on file before they will let you use this option though. Also, if you happen to use more this year than you did last year, at the end of the year you will get an 'extra' bill for whatever you went over in your usage. But if you use less-you get a credit :)

Way to cut #2

Turn down that thermostat! I read somewhere that for every degree you turn your thermostat down in the winter, you save 1%. So lets say you have your thermostat set at 70 degrees in the winter and your gas bill is $300. If you turn your thermostat down to 65-you would save approximately $15. Not much, but that is $15 you didn't save otherwise. Turn your thermostat down even more at night to save more money-you are probably bundled under blankets anyways, you wont notice a degree or two difference. If you are going on vacation or to work or out shopping for a few hours-turn it down a good 10 degrees. There is no reason to run the heat while you are gone. And when you get back, turn it up 5 degrees, not the full 10 degrees.

The same goes for the summer months-if you can, invest in some ceiling fans-it would cost about $10 a year to run a ceiling fan constantly. Basically run the AC as a last resort, not a first resort. Put the AC at 80 if you can. I know that where I live in GA-it gets up over 100 degrees with humidity, and I do NEED to run it. But fans really help cut down on their necessity-and if you have a whole house fan-see if you can get by JUST running that. Running it in conjunction with AC wont save much, but if you can make do with just the house fan, do it! We have run the AC twice so far-with days up in the 90s already!

Way to cut #3

Go to where your TV is plugged in. Or your computer. Both. Look at how many things are plugged in there. How many of them have lights on them? So even when your TV is off-there is that little red light letting you know it is off. There is a light constantly flashing on my wireless router, as well as all the lights on the modem. Not to mention the little light on the actual surge protector itself. Yea. Lots of little lights adds up. When you go to bed-turn off the surge protectors. When you leave the house, turn off the surge protectors. Take 2 minutes before you go to bed to make sure all the lights are off-lamps, overhead lights and the little lights. According to Belkin's page with all their energy saving 'stuff' you can buy-all those little lights with your TV, DVD player, gaming systems etc-cost you about $76 a year! Your computer and all it's little lights cost $30 a year-even if you ARE NOT USING THEM. That's over $100 just to have stuff plugged in. Which translates to about $8 monthly, so if you unplug them 1/2 the time, you would still save $4 a month. Unplug them/turn off surge protectors. Don't leave lights on when you are not in the room, limit TV/computer plug time. If you can, don't leave your laptop plugged in constantly, unplug it unless it needs charged. If you are like my husband and have a crappy battery in your computer, and cannot use a charge on it-plug it in while you use it and shut it down/unplug it otherwise.

I just did a quick walk through right now and counted 11 things that are currently 'lit up'

-oven clock

-microwave clock

-coffee maker

-alarm clock

-TV (2)

-cable box with time display

-computers (2)

-internet modem

-wireless router

-printer

-DVD player

AND I have an additional 4 things that are plugged in but not being used without lighting up. The oven-I can't unplug. My son is watching TV so that is 'on' as is the cable box. And the modem for the internet is ok... But just about everything else is not necessarily needed right now. Would it be a pain to reset my alarm clock everynight? Well yea, but it would save some money.

Is it a little extreme to go around unplugging everything all the time? Yes-but if you are on a tight/single income-it is WORTH it. The money you could save just by unplugging stuff can add up-trust me!

Way to save #4!

Clothesline. Need I say more? Let's do a little math to show the savings.

I could do some crazy equation that involved kWh rates and stuff. But instead I will use these estimates from laundrylist.org ;)

In an electric dryer, one load of clothes costs approximately 30-40 cents to dry a load. We will go with 40 cents to make it easier on myself-just remember your actual rates may be higher or lower. Let's pretend you do 1 load of laundry a day.

$0.40 to dry load of clothes (per day)

x365 days a year

$146 a year ($12/month)

Gas dryers are cheaper to run-but again, your prices may vary from the rates I have here. I am going to guess that gas rates are a little higher now than they were when it was written on the website :)

$0.20 to dry load of clothes in a gas dryer (per day)

x365 days a year

$73 a year ($6/ month)

Did you know that the dryer is the second biggest energy sucking appliance in your home? The fridge being the biggest one. By line drying just 1 load of laundry a week-you save $20 a year ($10 for gas dryers). The more you line dry, the more you save. And if you live somewhere where it gets relatively warm-drying outside might even dry FASTER than using a dryer. And I am not even taking into consideration how much money you spend replacing the clothes that your dryer wears out. Think about it-all that hot air blowing around, your clothes getting slammed around in a big metal tub.

You don't need some huge honking line either-I had a 9 foot retractable line from walmart on my deck, and with the use of hangers, I was able to dry entire loads on that line. If you have a shower curtain rod-you can hang things to dry on that inside-so if you rent and your landlord is not ok with clotheslines being used, you can still cut down on dryer usage.

Water bill

Way to cut #1

Fix the leaks! Check your pipes and your faucets. Is there a slow drip? Does your faucet leak around the fixture? Get those fixed! I have read that a leaky faucet can cost you anywhere from an additional $20 on your water bill to $60, maybe more. Monthly. That could be money in your pocket! And you might not even need a plumber. **I do not recommend doing plumbing yourself if you have no idea what you are doing* but if you have a little know how with tools, and are good with google-its not too hard to fix stuff like that yourself. And for a yearly savings of $240-$720 annually, I would even be willing to shell out some cash to have a professional do it for me.

Way to cut #2

It may be obvious-but shorten your showers. I am a girl. I love me a nice hot steamy shower just as much as the next girl-the steam cleans our your pores so you can have beautiful skin. But it will cost you on your monthly. According to pays to live green's calculations-it costs approximately 1/2 a cent (on average nationally) to take a shower. So for every 5 minutes you DON'T spend showering daily-you save about 2.5 cents. Not much, but in one year, cutting 5 minutes off of your daily shower will save about $9.13. If you have a family of 2-that is about $20 a year. If you cut more off, you save more. Not to mention, it saves on electric if your water heater is electric, or gas if it is gas heated.

And speaking of that water heater-turn down the temperature on it if you are able to. According to several websites, turning it down from 140 degrees F to 120 degrees F saves 10% on your bill! So on a $100 bill-$10 back in your pocket! Also -if you are looking into getting a new unit, look at the tankless units. They only heat the water as you use it-it is on demand, not just constantly heating the 30 gallons or whatever the tanked units hold. I don't recommend just going out and buying one now if you don't need it. But keep in mind that tankless water heaters save $100 yearly compared to a tanked heater. They are more expensive up front, which is why you should wait until your current one breaks to get a new one :P

In the interest in saving some space on the internet, I will end it there for now, more to come later because I think this will help someone somewhere :)

BUT to summarize:

-Remove internet from your phone plan: Saves $30 a month

-Turning down the thermostat 5 degrees in the winter saves $15 monthly.

-Turning off surge protectors for 1/2 the day-saves $4 monthly

-Fixing a leaky faucet saves $20-$60 monthly.

-Taking a 5 minute shorter shower saves $0.76 monthly

Total monthly savings by going crazy with all of these: $69.76-$109.76. Hello new shoes! Obviously not all of these apply to everyone, and many of them may not apply to you-and I didnt even count cable and internet billing because the variance in billing is so huge. This could equal a total savings of $837.12-$1317.12 a year. YEARLY! That's a new laptop, a nice camera, a few weekend trips!

Tips To Save Part 1: Budgeting!

2011-04-15T14:19:00.008-04:00

I see a lot of moms post on message boards and Facebook about how they could never live on a single salary-that they would have to sacrifice a lot to do so, and they just can't and a slew of other reasons. Other times moms will ask us stay at home moms or SAHMs if you are up on the message board lingo-how we survive on a single salary. How do we do it?

So I am just going to do a quick outline of how I do it-not all SAHMs are the same, and not all have the same number of people, priorities, or amount of money to work with every month. Some have much higher bills and much lower salaries, some have higher salaries and less bills. This is just what I am doing to survive and save some money. Because I don't want to ever have that panicky feeling I had when the government shutdown was looming. I was terrified I would not be able to feed my son, no matter how many corners I cut. And don't expect some groundbreaking new information, this is just what I do-it's really nothing special and other SAHMs might even be better at it than I am!

Lesson #1-Write out a budget.

Anyone who is on a limited budget-or even those that have millions of dollars need to budget. It is so important. It helps you keep track of bills and helps ensure that you ACTUALLY pay them. We have all had that month where we get a notice about our past due electric bill or phone bill. Putting them all down and the dates they are due makes it so much easier to keep track. And it doesn't have to be some crazy budgeting software. If you have a computer (and I suspect you do if you are reading this) you probably have some spreadsheet program on your computer! All I did was make a spreadsheet and entered in some formulas so that it automatically deducts the transactions from the total FOR me. You know that little paper ledger that comes with your check book? That your mom probably still uses-or at least, mine does! This is like that but you don't have to do the math, it does it for you! I have 2 spreadsheets set up-one for the first of the month, one for the second half of the month-you might get paid every 2 weeks, or on the 5th and 20th or something, the dates do not matter. Those are interchangeable.

EXAMPLE:

Add caption

And no-this is NOT our actual budget, I created one with fake information as an example :) Most of the bills are the same, as are their due dates. You notice how most of the smaller bills are on the 15th and the big one (mortgage/rent) is basically the only bill on the first? I did that on purpose. Our car payment is supposed to be paid on the first, but I pay ours on the 15th so that it is more even and we are not broke on the first from paying too many bills. And don't be afraid to call the utility companies to see about changing the dates around-the worse thing they can say is no! And I have it on good authority that most cell phone companies can change your billing due date-there are 'rules' about it, but they usually can! In this example there is still about $130-$150 leftover after all bills are paid-so this is 'fun' money to do with whatever you desire! Food is already budgeted out, and so is gas for the cars. I just estimate what we NORMALLY pay for such things and enter them on the spreadsheet. So I have an idea of what we are looking at as far as bills go.

I know, I know-what about that month that the electric bill is twice as high or your insurance goes up? Try to sign up for level billing if possible-it might have the name budget billing etc. Basically they take an average of all bills paid for a certain amount of time and you pay a flat rate monthly.That way there are NO surprises. Also, you can take some of your 'fun money' left over and put that in savings so that you have something there when the bills get a little crazy. If I rounded down to $100 of the fun money on each payday, we would save $80 in a month, $160 in two months and close to $1,000 in a year.

There are ways to save on some of the bills listed too, and I will get into that later ;) For now-step 1-get a budget ready! Make sure it is something you can follow, make sure your spouse is on board with it. Make sure you are living within your means. It is recommended that you save 10% of your income-not always possible, but it is what is recommended. It is also recommended that you pay no more than 1/3 of your income in rent or mortgage payments. So for the budget example listed-you would not want to pay more than $800 a month.

If you are a working mom NOW and considering becoming a SAHM (or dad)-try paying all bills out of the 1 salary you would be surviving on if you were to stay home, and save your paychecks to see if it is even plausible for your family to do it.

Becoming Homeowners

2011-03-18T21:09:00.000-04:00

Throughout our journey as homeowners I have felt a few times like "this is OUR home" but have never done anything TO the house to make it feel like it was ours. This makes sense, I promise!

We bought the house in November, hubs didn't get home from Iraq until December. We moved into the house, have been living here for about 4 months now and still didn't even own a lawnmower. I had never mowed a lawn in my entire life-and no, I am not exaggerating. I lived with my mom my whole life. We lived with my grandparents who were big time gardners, then we lived with my little sisters dad on a farm with no lawn to be mowed-and if there was one, I never had to do anything with it. Then we rented and the landlord did it for us. Then my mom bought a house and my grandparents lived up the street so he would mow her lawn too. Then apartment, 2 rentals with my husband that had maintenance included in rent. So before today I had never even touched a lawnmower aside from the time I worked at sears and would maybe clean them as part of my job. As our first lawnmowing purchase as homeowners, we went with a corded electric set up. The cord is a pain in the ass but I feel better knowing mother earth can breathe a little better because of our decision to not go with gas yard care appliances. I got to mow OUR lawn at OUR house that WE own. It felt good. Until my sunburn set in. And I realized why people are up at 8 AM to mow their lawns. Lesson 1.

Before this project, neither of us had operated miter saws, jig saws or nail guns. My experience in these items is still very limited but I can now say I know how to do it! And my hubby did an awesome job on the trim-especially being a 'first timer'. And he feels all manly and handy being able to do stuff like this now.

I dont know why I am posting. Except that it finally set in. We own this, this house is our responsibility, and we can do whatever we want to it-well to the inside. The outside is protected because it is historic but that doesnt mean we can't fix that up eventually too. Because we CAN. We have all the tools we need and the skills can only be improved by continuous use of them right? I am enjoying this journey so far into homeownership, and I feel really accomplished. I am 23 years old, my husband is 25 and we own a house that we are slowly but surely renovating ourselves while raising our family. I like this feeling.

In The Home Stretch...

2011-03-18T16:49:00.001-04:00

We are so close to being done with the trim in the living room. And I could not be more thrilled. I missed my living room. But I have to say that with the new shade of paint the room is MUCH brighter. And with the new trim it looks a lot neater to me. As you can see here-the trim in the house is not looking so hot, but the new trim in the living room (on the right) looks AMAZING if I do say so myself ;) And I will. Because it was a LOT of work. I mentioned before that they installed drywall OVER the trim instead of tearing out/replacing the trim when the drywall was installed. Which is not the right way to do it. It looks messy and I just dont see how anyone would think that was the "right" way to do it. But save from tearing out all the drywall and redoing EVERYTHING, our next best option was to just cover up the junction between the old trim and the drywall with some new 1X6 boards and base cap, and then along the floor put down some 11/16 rounds. Looks pretty nice I think. Anything is better than the old stuff, that is for sure! My only concern now is that we will have to take the trim out when we replace or refinish the floors somewhere down the road. Ah homeownership.

Meltdown in 3,2,1

2011-03-14T15:08:00.001-04:00

So if you are like me, you can relate to what I am about to say. You start a project-say, painting a room, and redoing some window frames because they have a BILLION layers of the thickest paint ever on them, as well as a couple of french doors that are looking a little worse for the wear and some hinges that were painted. It's a big project, I admit this. Also, it is a difficult job if A-you are not a professional and have no idea what you are doing beyond what google tells you and/or B-you have a smallish child/toddler that really wants to help. Oh and C-if previous owners of your home were freaking stupid and did all kinds of things that should NOT have been done. For instance-hinges. Dont paint them. I know I sound like a broken record but this is a record that I think a lot of people need to listen to. It's not hard to remove the hardware! I promise, all it takes is a screwdriver usually-maybe a little bit of storage space to put the door until you finish painting. But I digress. My point is-I have reached my breaking point. What started as a simple "paint the living room and refinish the french doors" has turned into a massive project and I am just done. I just want my living room done, I want to sit on my beautiful new couch with my son and watch some cartoons. Not stand on paint covered drop cloths scraping old paint off of the windows. I am thisclose to half-assing it just to be done, but we want things done RIGHT because so many things are wrong in the house.

And my main issue right now-and the MAIN reason I commonly use the phrase "I hate the previous owners". I dont know if it was the people that owned the house just prior to us, or if someone in the 100 years of history did it. This house is a 1910 craftsman bungalow style home, originally it would have had plaster walls. At some point SOMEONE decided to put in drywall-perfectly acceptable. I dont mind drywall. I dont know anyone who has anything against drywall. What I have against this particular job of drywall is that they didnt remove the bottom trim, they did not remove the trim around the windows. They basically just cut drywall pieces to go on top of the base trim and cut around the windows-which does not look pretty, in fact looks really messy and also hit some of the details in the bottoms of the windows. And now we have this weird 1/4 inch or so of trim that sticks out and then some 3/4 round along the bottom of the floor and trim. It looks trashy, the drywall is not flush with it really, they put what appears to be caulking along the lines to "seal" the trim to the drywall. This picture is in our master bedroom where the drywall sealer or whatever they used as come off-see that gap? This is the worst one I think. So to fix this I really have no option but to just cover it up with different trim. Or rip out all the drywall, try redoing it but maybe run into WHY they did it this way. We have decided that while not IDEAL, we are just going to put trim up over it with a base cap to "hide" this. I think anything we do will look a million times better than what is currently going on here. Also, you can see the thick paint on the wood that we dont really have a way of stripping properly while still living in the house with a small child.

And onto the hinges!

2011-03-13T11:21:00.000-04:00

The hinge on the door-it was basically glued on due
to all the paint

These hinges. Tsk tsk. They definitely made me question my sanity. I did the crock pot method-a few less hours this time, it was more like 4-but it worked just as well as leaving them to sit overnight. Hinges are not all that expensive to replace but in the process of doing this, we discovered that a lot of the hinges appear to be copper, and the type is not something I could find at Lowe's and I wouldnt want to order them online because... I like to hold things in my hand and compare them to the old before I purchase so I know that it does fit. I am guessing these hinges are original-some are copper and some are just metal, we are trying to figure out what to do with those ones still.

Hinges off of the door-some of them had more paint than others

The paint covered hinges being cooked in my old crock pot

I did a little math, and we have 26 hinges inside this house. I found a similar style and screw pattern on a website for $29. So that comes to a total of $757 before shipping and handling. I might still have to replace a couple of them but spending maybe $100 to replace a few is much better than spending darn near $1000 to redo all of them. And with a little ingenuity, I might even be able to salvage the "bad" ones as well :) We will have to see what I come up with. It may involve a little spray paint, but not white paint glopped on it.

See the ridiculous amount of paint coming off of this?

The paint really does peel off-in sheets. This method of removal was SO easy. Just do not, I repeat DO NOT use a crock pot you will be cooking in. For obvious reasons :)

And the end result :) Beautful, no?

Shining up the hardware

2011-03-12T10:49:00.012-05:00

So I found a method of removing paint from old hardware online last night. Cook the paint encrusted hardware in a crock pot on medium heat overnight with a little bit of laundry soap in the water. I don't know what the laundry detergent does, if it would work with just water, or if the soap is necessary, but these are the results I got using this method. I went to bed at like 2 last night (I was researching how to do this) and had just put them in, woke up at 9 and these are what I got in that time.

I thought I would post a picture of WHERE the hardware was-we had already removed the hardware itself, but I think this gives an idea of how covered in paint it was. I honestly didn't even know that there was a little piece of metal here, I could barely see the outline of the screws, and it took a lot of scraping to show where the flat head screwdriver was supposed go to unscrew it. This is where the little metal piece goes at the top of the french doors for the chain lock. And where the lock is screwed into the door. Look! There is real wood up under the many layers of paint! It's amazing. And you can't really see it here, but the wood is actually in pretty good condition! You can kind of see it in the left picture-I am not sure what the little metal piece is called that went there but... It's a little piece that goes over the chain to hold it down basically. I am so not a renovator or up on all my hardware lingo, so I apologize. But even being as hardware illiterate as I am, I know you DON'T PAINT HARDWARE. Ever. Don't. If you are ever painting and ask yourself (or anyone else for that matter) "should I remove the hinges/lock/doorknob or just paint on them?" REMOVE them. Paint. Put hardware back on where it belongs.

Painted over hardware does NOT look good-especially when it has been painted over so many times, which is the case here. All it takes is one person with a layer of paint and everyone after them wants to do the same and just paint right over again, but we aren't going to be "those people". And I could just buy some new hardware-we aren't hard up for cash or anything, but I would rather preserve SOME original details in the house, and FREE is better than spending anything on them. They are perfectly functional still, just painted! I can fix it.

Now onto the metal pieces. This is what they look like out of the crock pot with a little finger scrubbing to remove the largest pieces of paint. I don't know what kind of metal this is, it kind of looks brass or copper. It's hard to tell with how tarnished it is, and with the paint on it, it was REALLY hard to tell it was even metal.

And here is the condition of the paint as it is removed. It comes off in pretty decent sized chunks, it doesn't slowly flake off, it just peels right off. I will say if you try this, don't do it when the metal is fresh out of the crock pot-its a little too hot to handle, but don't wait until it cools completely either-it's a little harder to remove when it is cooled. When it is a little warmer, it peels right off, but when it is cool-it still comes off, but it's more "flaky".

And here is the little chain cover after a little bit of baking soda and toothbrush scrubbing. See how SHINY?! And not covered in paint! It's amazing how little of work it took to bring this back to looking like real hardware and not just a blob on the door. I don't have a picture of the little piece that goes above the door-I am still working on that. It is pretty tarnished, so I am going to pick up some tarnish remover at the hardware store later when we pick up paint and supplies etc.

And onto the chain! Why ANYONE ever thought to paint the entire chain, I am not sure! It would not have been hard to unscrew the chain cover and pull up the chain so it was out of the way. Seriously folks. Don't paint hardware. I will come to your house and HUNT YOU DOWN. :) Here is the chain and lock fresh out of the crock pot this morning. See all the paint? There have to be 3-4 layers of paint-and I am not talking your average run of the mill layers of paint. These people apparently thought it needed to be globbed on to be good or something. I don't know. It is not pretty!

You can see that some of the paint was already flaking off a little bit-just from me handling it to get it out of the crock pot. This chain is where I discovered the "flaking if cooled" paint removing. I realized with all the spaces in the chain, I need to work on it in phases. Little bits at a time. So I started with the easier part-the lock. It is the biggest and easiest part of the chain.

The paint peeled off of this pretty easily-and the boiling time in the crock seemed to make it bubble up a lot. I had to use a toothpick in the little crevice to get it out, but other than that, it came off with my hands. I started in scrubbing with a toothbrush and some baking soda-see the difference? I scrubbed the whole thing but it still looks really tarnished so I am going to see about some tarnish remover at Lowes today. Either way-tarnished or perfectly shiny, it is better than paint covered!

Let the renovations begin!

2011-03-12T00:59:00.000-05:00

And so it begins. We have started getting ready to "renovate" the house. When I say renovate-I mean scrape off the many many layers of paint off of the trim and start over-either with a stain or a much thinner layer of paint. I googled my little eyes out earlier and found that if you put harware that has been painted over into a crockpot on medium heat with a little liquid laundry soap overnight, it removes all the old paint-or softens it so you can remove the paint. If this is possible we are going to save a crap ton of money replacing hinges that have many layers of paint on them. We are testing it out tonight with the chain on the french doors in the living room. I am going to take some pictures of the process tomorrow and post them.

When we bought this house, I fell in love with the old charm that came along with a 100 year old home. And now it is the same "charming details" that I will be stripping and redoing :) Nothing against any of the previous owners, but how hard is it to NOT paint hinges? Or windows? Or window pulleys or chains on french doors? Was it necessary to use such a THICK layer of paint on the doors and window frames? Should I really have to block off my entire living room with plastic and remove everything so I can pour some chemicals on the trim to remove all the layers of paint? The answer is no I shouldnt. But I am. Because that is probably a better way of doing things than slapping another layer of paint over the already flaking trim. I feel like I will probably fall in love with this house as we make these little changes. And the husband has dreams of us getting a lot more out of the house than we paid for it just by fixing these little things. All of this would be much easier if Christian were a little older. Planning all this around him and his nap schedule should be fun. And he is a curious little bugger. It will be tough to keep him out of the living room. But once it is all said and done we will have a beautiful living room for him to play in and we will hopefully not need to worry about the paint chipping, it will be a much brighter room because as much as I love the red-we need something brighter and more neutral. We are not red wall kind of people.

I am going to try to keep updating here. I will be taking breaks from my many online outlets for awhile. Not as much Facebooking and message board time. If I want this house to be all I dream of it being, I need to put in a lot less computer time and a lot more work time :)

Every Time You Buy A Dog, A Shelter Dog Dies

2010-12-14T15:14:00.001-05:00

Everytime you go to the pet store and pick some cute little puppy out of those glass cages they have and take that pup home, a shelter dog that has been waiting for a forever home gets euthanized-sometimes simply because he was there too long. Sometimes because they have too many dogs or cats and have to put some down due to over crowding. I know those puppies in the store are cute. We actually went to a pet store the other day to look for a golden retriever. After searching on craigslist and petfinder for one that needed a home, I decided to look at the pet store because I wanted the purebred golden-the good, loyal, easygoing family dog. I had a few issues with said pet store. 1-there were oodles of poodle mixes. Everything had a "poo" or "oodle" added to the name. People can argue with me all they want that poodles are hypoallergenic so mixing them serves a purpose, but in my eyes the purpose is to put money in the pocket of the breeder that decided to cash in on the poo craze going on right now. 2-When I mentioned puppy mills to the girl in the store-oh yea, I went there-she got incredibly uncomfortable and said that their breeders were inspected by the USDA or something but that there were no guarantees that the dog we get didn't come from a mill. And for those that dont know what I am talking about when I refer to puppy mills here is the humane society pages info on them. But even the information they provide seems lightened to me. Here is another site that gives another portrayal of them. These dogs are confined to wire crates and from their first heat until the day they die are bred continuously, litter after litter. Much of the time they never get human contact, and their puppies are taken younger than they should be and sold off to these pet stores where the pup sits all cute in their glass cage until someone comes up and says "how cute" and takes that dog home. And some of these pups are good dogs, the live long happy lives in their new homes. But sometimes they aren't so lucky. Some of them have severe health problems due to the poor breeding, and sometimes the people who pay for them decide that once they are big they are just not as cute and put them in the shelters where they may or may not get adopted or may just end up euthanized. It has been a few years but I saw on TV once that in order for every animal in a shelter to have a home, every single person in the united states would have to have 3 pets. Not every household. EVERY PERSON. And the numbers are growing because we keep supporting these poor excuses for human beings that don't give two craps about these animals and only care about how fat their bank accounts can get.

And my third issue with the pet store was the sheer cost of these animals. This particular store listed prices on each dog. I thought at first "wow $40 for a dog, that's really cheap!" And then I was told this was a monthly charge on a 36 month financing for a dog. Some of them were $100 a month. My car insurance is less than that. And you could pay a lump sum-slightly cheaper. The goldendoodle we were looking at was $86 a month or $2200 right up front. They had all kinds of paperwork showing their pedigree and they included some training and a few other things but I could find a good breeder and pay a lot less for a pure bred golden if I wanted. And in a shelter, the adoption rates range from free-yes FREE to $300-more if you go through a rescue group for a particular breed. And generally these dogs are socialized already, most are potty trained, they come fully vetted and fixed. Our dog Laydie is probably a purebred siberian husky was $86 at a shelter on post. My cat Zoey was $40 or so- fixed and everything, microchipped etc. Jonah was $150, and since it was a petsmart adoption drive, we got free food for him and coupons for other stuff. He had been recently fixed, rabies vax done. And he is relatively potty trained. He spent his life in a cage in the shelter so accidents do happen but we are working with him. He is great with Christian, doesn't chase the cats and just loves getting loved. When we went to the pet store the goldendoodle was chewing on us, biting Christian, would not sit or listen for anything. Cute? Yes. Soft and fluffy and puppyish in every way? Yep. But I would rather save a life.

And another thing, if you go to the shelter, don't go in wanting a puppy or a certain breed-if you find it, and it fits well in your family, by all means, get that purebred puppy in the shelter. But look at that dog at the end, sitting there looking at you, just wagging his tail and behaving-he could be a good fit too, give him a chance. He is begging, pleading you to take him home. All that dog wants is to love you and to be loved in return. He wants to snuggle and play and be your best friend. I wanted a golden retriever, but I got some terrier lab mix of some persuasion instead and couldn't be happier. He loves his new life, we love having him. And I feel good knowing he didn't have to die. All I am saying is to go to a shelter and see what they have. Don't go for the most beautiful dog there, don't go for the puppy just because they are a puppy. Ask to play with a few dogs, see which one meshes well with you. Do shelter dogs have their share of problems? Yes, some have behavioral issues because no one cared enough to teach them better, some have health problems from neglectful owners. But these are all things that can be taken care of. If you have the time, patience and finances to save a life, please do it. Don't have the time/space for a dog? Cats, rabbits, birds, ferrets-they are all in the shelters waiting for forever homes. I think I have even seen a turtle or two. I can almost guarantee that sitting in a cage somewhere is the best friend you will ever have.

Activism: A new word for bullying...

2010-10-17T18:14:00.002-04:00

Anyone who is a member of a parenting board has seen it. That thread. A mom asking about circumcision, a story about a mom being kicked out of a restaurant for breastfeeding, the whole Pampers debacle, the formula recalls. It brings out the WORST in people. I recently read an article on some site about a mother who lost her child-apparently the boy had a heart defect, and the doctors at some point told the mother "if you want to circumcise, you can now" so she did. And her son died. This is a sad sad story, and I would have expected other moms to feel her pain. No one wants to lose their child, the thought alone terrifies me. My heart really goes out to anyone who would ever have to deal with such a painful experience.

Apparently other mom's don't share my sentiment. If you have ever read articles such as this, it is usually best to stop before you see the comments. People get downright nasty. Someone said they felt no pity for this mom who lost her child, because she chose to circumcise, and it is mutilation etc etc. I am all for making informed decisions regarding our children. I encourage people to research everything before making a decision. Heck, I check about 5 sites before I purchase anything that plugs in-gotta make sure it has good reviews. How I approach parenting is no different, maybe even moreso. But what I will never ever understand is how activists can attack another parent for making a different decision. This mom LOST HER BABY and all you can say is "serves her right for mutilating him" Are you kidding me?

And it is not always such serious subjects. Sometimes formula is referred to as "poison" or "inferior". While there are many studies showing that breastfeeding is a better choice, why do you insist on using the term inferior. This is something most people have heard, this is heavily researched, but what about the mom that had to go on some medication for a serious medical condition and couldn't breastfeed anymore? Or the one, like my friend, that tried and tried everything, took every supplement known to help with BFing and STILL couldn't get enough milk? Does it make you feel good that you are making them feel bad about something so out of their control? And for the record, formula is not poison-there are tons of people (myself included) that were fed formula and didn't die. That is what poison is-deadly. Formula may not be proven to reduce risks of cancers like breastmilk is shown to do, but it will not literally kill an infant that drinks it. People say that if you look at obesity rates and diabetes and cancer rates, they have gone up-so you should breastfeed because apparently formula causes these things. No, the poor diet, the processed food, the fast food, the chemicals used in our foods, the food we feed livestock, the antibiotics given to the livestock-all of these are in no way helping our obesity rates or cancer or other health issues that are on the rise. Formula is not the cause of these things, and I have yet to see a study showing formula itself is the cause of anything. It may not contribute to a reduction in anything either, but it doesn't CAUSE anything bad. Stop acting like you are better than a mom who formula feeds, stop putting her down because of that choice. It is HER CHOICE to do with her children as she pleases.

It seems like everytime you turn around, someone is advocating something. A mom asks about what kind of disposable diapers to buy, and someone says "use cloth!" Someone asks about "CIO"-which for those of you that are not message board saavy-is crying it out, and someone jumps all over it "that harms their brains!" Someone looks for information about co sleeping and is told it is dangerous and their baby could die. For whatever decision you make, no matter how researched or not researched it is, there is someone out there that chose the opposite and is ready to jump down your throat for it. And they hide behind their "research" and use that as an excuse to say their hurtful things. They 'know' more about it than you, you are clearly ill informed if you didnt choose the same thing that they did.

Do not all mom's have the same goals? To raise happy, healthy, well-adjusted kids that someday turn into very well adjusted and happy adults? I am all for researching, asking questions and educating others that ask questions, but there is a huge difference between "here are some links on that" and blatant, hurtful attacks. Live and let live, parent and let parent, feed and let feed. No one is looking to be put down, no one wants to be told they are a bad parent. They are simply looking for info, support and some advice.

Missing Out...

2010-10-05T20:33:00.002-04:00

Our offer on our dream home was accepted by the seller, and we are moving forward with the process. Next up is all the red tape before we get the keys put in our hands. Appraisals, inspections, closing etc. I am excited beyond all belief. This is our dream house. When I imagined what I would want in our house, this has everything, and then some southern charm thrown in, and a cute little porch swing I never would have thought to want. But I love it. Everything about it.

Do you notice a lot of "I" statements? That's because this is all on me. I was the one that found the listing, I was the one that called the realtor, I am the one who viewed the house, I, as the POA signed all the paperwork. My husband is 8000 miles away and he loved the pictures of the house, he knows how much I like it, and he wants what I want. But he has never seen it, he has never walked up those front steps, he has never felt the granite countertops, he has never set foot near the house. When I go through with the inspector to make sure the house is up to standard, he won't be there, when the paperwork is signed to make this OUR house, he won't be there. It makes me sad. This is OUR house but because of his duties to his job, and his country, he cannot be here for this. It is just another reminder of everything we are going through, everything we have gone through and everything that he is missing out on this year. It is just so sad to me. I just wish it were easier. When I found out the sellers accepted our offer, I got so excited and was dancing around my living room like and idiot and I wanted so badly to turn to my husband and tell him and we could hug and celebrate like most people would getting this kind of news. But I couldn't. Military families miss out on so much during deployments, and it is so hard sometimes. We just have to remind ourselves that there is a reason for it. And someday, soon, they will come home again and we can feel whole again.

Maybe It's YOU With The Problem

2010-10-02T23:47:00.002-04:00

Breastfeeding. Yep. I admit it, I am a breastfeeder. Maybe you know someone that breastfeeds. Your neighbor, your boss, your child's teacher. Breastfeeders are everywhere. Only we are not. The most natural thing in the world is forced into hiding. We are continually told that we should feed our children in private, lest we make people uncomfortable. Chances are, we could breastfeed without you getting a single glimpse of anything "inappropriate". Is there something about that tell-tale position that just sends shockwaves radiating out from us? Some invisible barrier when you see an infants head at breast level that makes you give us a 10 foot bubble that you must not enter, but will stare daggers through? It would take some serious effort on my part to actually get breastmilk on you, and honestly, I just don't care enough to try. But for the record, it is no more disgusting that what you buy in the grocery stores in those plastic containers(for clarification, I am referring to cows milk). And when you think about it, what my son is eating is far more appropriate for a human to consume than what is contained in those plastic containers. And it has a lot less antibiotics involved, a whole bunch less processing and I am not kept in a field with thousands of other breastfeeding moms, standing in my own feces and eating some random "feed" that is not designed for me to digest.

But I digress. My point is, if the fact that I am feeding MY son what he is BIOLOGICALLY made to digest bothers you, take a look at yourself and figure out what YOUR problem is. What is it about such a natural process that makes you freak out? Is it the *gasp* breast shown?! Because mine are never really showing. I have seen way more teens in the malls showing more boob than I ever do feeding my son. Do you complain every time you see that? Do you ask them to go in private if they are going to dress like that? Do you ask that they put a blanket over themselves? Are they requested to wear their outfits in the bathroom if the "must wear them"? No. Boobs are 'sexy' so what THEY are doing is ok, but how dare I use these sexy things to feed my baby? Are you afraid some milk will get on you? Or because it is a bodily fluid it must be germ-infested? Because as previously mentioned, I would have to go to great lengths to do this. And generally speaking, if a mother has a disease that could be passed through breastmilk-she probably is not breastfeeding. So don't worry about me spraying you with AIDS infected milk from 10 feet away.

See, breastfeeding mothers don't have any problems. We are simply doing what comes naturally to us, and you people are the ones creating such a problem. Don't like it? Look away, maybe YOU should go hang out in the bathroom while we feed our child, maybe YOU should stay home if it bothers you. Before you complain to someone about a breastfeeding mom, or before you make a comment to her, stop. Just stop it. And think why it bothers you. If you still decide to complain, pull your head out of your ass and stop being so ignorant and ill informed. Maybe you should start working on changing your perspective of the female body. Maybe everyone needs to change their perspective. This, I believe is the first step in making breastfeeding a normal part of our lives, not one that is shunned and forced into dark corners.

The Second Goodbye...

2010-09-04T20:50:00.000-04:00

Sucks even worse than the first one did. We got up at 6AM, I felt like I had finally just fallen asleep. We drove and drove to Atlanta. Stopped for breakfast at a Cracker Barrel, and this nice older lady gave up her table for us. It was the sweetest thing in the world, and she said thank you to Sean for his service. The food might have been good, I don't know. All day I was just ready to burst into tears, and our last breakfast together was no different. People keep telling me "don't say it's the last breakfast" or "look at it this way, it's only 3 more months." And you know what, I don't fucking care that it is only 3 months. These 3 months will be harder than the first 8. Because I am waiting for him to come home "for good". Because I got a 2 week taste of what life is like being a family again, and I miss it. Already. We got to the airport around 1pm, he had to be checked in by 2pm. They gave me a pass to go with him to the gate, which is so awesome that they do that. His flight was at 6 though, and I made a decision to just go. I couldn't sit around for 4 hours with a 10 month old, knowing that I was going to have a breakdown. I couldn't do it, so we walked back to the car, he changed one last diaper, and we said our goodbyes. I cried for 5 minutes in the airport parking lot. Then I drove home. Like nothing had happened, even felt kind of normal. Cried once when I saw the heart I had drawn on my hand, because i had drawn one on his hand too with my pink pen in my purse. IDK why I did it, or why it made me cry, but it did. Then I was normal, I stopped at a rest stop, got Christian some animal crackers, we sat at a table and he devoured them, I called my mom and chatted for a few. Then I got home. My empty home. And it hit me. I should have stayed with him. I should have soaked up every second I could get with him. I shouldn't have just left him there to wait alone for 4 hours. I don't know why I didn't stay. I didn't want to cry in front of the entire airport, sure. I didn't want to draw it out, ok. I knew we had a long drive home and the dogs were at home with no one to make sure they didn't destroy everything. But none of that matters at all right now, all I feel is the pain. Why didn't I just stay with him? Better yet, why did he have to go back?! They don't need him there, we need him here with us. Christian would not go to sleep tonight, he cried and cried and we did this back and forth of crying for a few, mommy saved him, played for awhile, went back to bed. He got used to daddy playing with him and putting him down. He is overtired too, which I am sure didn't help matters, but I think he just got into the routine with daddy. So did I. God, why didn't I stay? I am so upset and I feel like an idiot and wish I could go back in time. I would have still been with him an hour ago. Instead I said goodbye way too soon, just prolonging the time before we see eachother again. I am an idiot. I miss him. I need him home. I just want to curl up in a ball and sleep forever.

Time Flies By...

2010-09-02T22:43:00.000-04:00

When you don't want it to. The past almost 2 weeks have just flown right on by. He leaves in less than 48 hours and my stomach is in knots, I am on the verge of tears all the time. Any random thing is setting me off to tears. It's like the beginning of the deployment all over again. I made the mistake of watching Brothers. I didn't want to spoil it for anyone but the ads pretty much give away that they think the husband dies, and the officer and chaplain came to her door. Oh yea, I bawled. Sean assured me that would never happen for us. But it is this constant fear with them over there, and he is going right back to it. 2 weeks of pure bliss and then constant stress and fear and single parenthood. He has been an amazing support, he is a great husband and father, Christian adores him. It took a few days for him to warm up to Sean, but now they are buds, and Christian has made some big speech advancements since daddy got home. He used to babble every once in awhile, but now I can't shut him up, and he started climbing all over the place all the sudden, and I am glad daddy gets to be here to see some firsts. I just wish his visit wasn't only for 2 weeks. It kind of sucks because I got so used to his amazing help, it is going to be a big adjustment back to single parenthood. I am so glad to have had this time with him but it would have been easier emotionally on us if he had never come home. That sounds terrible, but it is true. I am just going to miss the heck out of him, I don't know how I am going to do this all again.

A Day In The Life

2010-07-26T17:58:00.000-04:00

It is truly amazing how much one woman can accomplish in less than 12 hours time.

This morning I got woken up to the sound of crickets chirping. I apparently set my alarm for 6 am on my phone and Froggy Night was the tone. I did not need to be awake this early, Christian would be up at 8 at the earliest, 10 usually. The second I woke up I was thinking about all the things needing to be done today. Good luck sleeping through that. So then I go through the morning rundown.

Take dogs outside.
Bring dogs in.
Make sure dogs have food and water.
Shower.
Christian is awake. Feed him, attempt to do a light clean up of the kitchen while he eats.
Christian goes down for his nap around 11 AM.
Do hair and make up, all the while Christian is talking to himself in his crib. NOT napping as he should be. He finally falls asleep around 12:15, and we have to leave by 1 to get Laydie to the vet on time to get her sutures removed.
Get Christian up at 12:45 and dress a screaming angry baby.
Of course in the midst of the madness of trying to load up a dog with stitches in her belly and an unhappy tired baby in to the car, my husband calls from Iraq. And even though I get to talk to him on a regular basis, these phone calls are not something you ignore.
While starting the car to let it cool down, getting Laydie into the car and going back into the house and putting Romeo in the kennel and then taking Christian to the car and loading him up, I find out from my husband that we have a date for his R&R. And because I am unsure about OPSEC rules regarding R&R dates, I won't share them. Plus we are not entirely sure we want our family knowing when he will be home. It is just best this way so that he is not bombarded with phone calls and the inevitable "are you coming home?!" questions.
Run to Savannah, get Laydies sutures taken out, get back in the car and drive back home. Get home and do the dog baby juggle out of the car. Romeo is barking and to prevent the peeing on the carpet that occurs when little dogs get too excited, take Romeo outside and to get the mail.
Yay our car tags are here!

I haven't eaten all day is the realization that hits me once we step inside the house. Unfortunately Christian is hungry and he is prority. Baby gets fed and put down for a nap.
Dang the litter box smells. Must scoop.
Laundry has been in the washer for over 24 hours... Gotta restart that. Clothes in the dryer need folded.

Christian wakes up crankier than ever and I still havent eaten. Christian gets raviolis. I get a handful of pretzels and an ice water while I dance around the kitchen trying to make my crying baby stop crying while I make his dinner.
Dancing is a failure. But the ravioli hushes him up momentarily. Dogs going outside again. Gotta give them their heartworm meds and vitamins. Yes. Dog vitamins. Bleh.

And now I still sit down. watch some Julie and Julia. Oh! Baby is done eating. Bathtime!

6 Month Slump

2010-06-17T11:40:00.000-04:00

I wonder if other wives or soldiers go through this at the halfway point. I feel more emotional and hormonal now than I did when I was 6 weeks post partum and my husband was leaving for Iraq. These days I cry over everything. I called my mom and she didn't answer and I cried and wondered why she hates me. I know she doesnt hate me but that was where my mind went. I was re reading some of my older posts today and cried... At my own blog. I feel really restless. I miss him more than I have this entire time. Which is weird to say, because I have always missed him a lot but it's like this realization hit that it has been half a year since I felt him arms around me. Half a year since I breathed in his scent-and even though most of the time he smells like grease from working on tanks, I miss it. The other day I was pumping gas and this guy was next to me, and he had coveralls on and looked like he worked in a shop and I could smell him from like 10 feet away. My eyes welled up with tears when I smelled that. How rediculous is that? I mean really? I get teary eyed smelling motor oil? And it is so embarassing but I found one of his deodorant containers underneath our couch. I opened it to see if it was still "good" or if it had dried out or anything and I never thought Old Spice deodorant could make me react in such a way. I was a sobbing mess. I know it sounds like all I do is cry, but I swear I dont. It's just the weirdest most random smells and moments that just hit me. We still have another month or two before R&R. And rumors are swirling that they might be sent home earlier than expected. Emotions are high, and so are the temperatures here in Georgia, although from what I here, this is like winter compared to what our men are getting over there.

Depression... I think.

2010-06-14T00:39:00.000-04:00

Depression is a feeling I am sure most other military wives know very well. On the surface, you are fine. You get up in the morning take care of the kids, take the dogs outside, clean up the house, you go grocery shopping, go pay bills, maybe go hang out with friends and family. People ask "how are you doing?" and you say "Fine" but you aren't. Truly happy moments are few and far between. It's all surface emotion. You pretend it's all ok, and at some point the pretending gets to be too much and you have a day. Like today. I don't know how or why it was today. I took the dogs out and they were their usual spastic selves and I found myself yelling at them to come on. They got a little rowdy and I found myself yelling again. It's like I am a soda bottle, and someone shook me up and keeps trying to take the cap off, but does it slowly so it's not a quick explosion, it is short little bursts. I got to talk to Sean today and I tried to explain to him about how I was feeling but I try not to tell him about it too much because he is feeling similarly, the only difference is that I am here with our son, seeing our son go through all these changes, and he is missing it all. It's hard for me to enjoy all the changes because I can't help but feel some sadness that he is missing it. I feel kind of guilty every time I kiss Christian, every time I get to laugh at his little squeals of joy because the dogs are licking his face. Whenever we get to talk to daddy on Skype, Christian's whole face just lights up and he gets the biggest cheesiest grin on his face when he sees daddy. It makes me so happy and so sad at the same time. I hate when people randomly knock on my door. Your heart just drops into your stomach and you feel like you might be sick. A couple of deep breaths before you open the door. Oh UPS. Thank the lord. And then there are the calls from family. I stayed where we are stationed for the deployment. I thought it would be easier but I was horribly wrong. I would give anything to just be able to go over to my sisters and watch a movie or gossip about anything. But your family doesn't get it. They say "I understand" and "I know" but they don't. They will NEVER understand what it's like to be thrilled to see "unknown number" on your phone. Or how the little box that pops up in the bottom corner of your screen telling you your husband is online can just make your day. Or how amazing it is to reunite after a time apart, or how very hard that goodbye is. They say all the time "I don't know how you do it" and they are right, they don't. They won't ever understand what it is about us that makes us stronger than them. I don't fully understand what it is. It's not something you just have. It's something you find. Deep within you, because you have to. There is no other choice but to find that strength. Every life experience was just building you up, giving you the tools you need to survive, the ability to hold in the tears when you need to, and to cry when you need to and the knowledge of when each of those are appropriate. I feel like I deserve an oscar for all the acting I have been doing this year. We all deserve one.

It Has Been Awhile...

2010-06-10T21:36:00.000-04:00

I don't even remember the last time that I wrote anything. Life gets in the way of blogging. But I feel like I have it pretty well prioritized at this point :) Christian is a crawling maniac still and has become obsessed with pulling himself up to stand and a few times even let go of the couch or whatever he was holding onto and stood by himself fo a few seconds. I just can't believe how advanced he is. Actually, I have no idea if he is advanced by any "standard" but I feel like he is doing a lot more at his age than most other babies I know that were born around the same time. Makes me proud and kind of sad all at the same time. I just wish his daddy could be here to see it. I send pictures to him and post them on facebook so he can see them but its not the same as witnessing it for himself. Although we do get to chat on the webcam almost every day and Christian's whole face just lights up the second he sees daddy's face on the screen. It makes me tear up every single time, and I know that daddy loves that moment.

We got orders. Finally. Sean has been stationed at Ft Stewart for almost 7 years and he is ready to get out and I have only been here since October of 2008 and I want out. The weather, the people, the area... there is nothing about this place that I like. We wanted out of Georgia so bad... We got Ft Benning. Which is about 3-4 hours further north... In Georgia. I just don't even see the point in PCSing up there. It is the same state! I have heard good things about Benning compared to Stewart so I am excited to move, but really Army? 3 hours?! It is kind of on the border of Georgia and Alabama so we will probably get a place in Alabama just to say we got out of Georgia :P And we are going to buy a house. By the time we actually move, he will have been here for almost 8 years, so I am guessing they won't be eager to let us PCS anytime soon and we just need a place to call home that is our very own. That's the most exciting thing for me, the prospect of house hunting. I love houses.

6 Months Old

2010-04-30T22:27:00.006-04:00

Today my little boy turns 6 months old :) I cannot believe it have been half a year already. Being a mom has been the most rewarding and difficult thing I have ever done. There have been a lot of ups and downs, some pain, some tears... Ok a lot of tears but I feel that at times it is ok to cry it out. Not him, me. Being a full time mom is the hardest thing anyone can ever do, and to be a full time mom for the first time while your husband is deployed is just difficult in ways that someone who has never been there would never understand. I dont want to sit here and have a pity party and complain, because honestly even with the hardships that I face on a daily basis as basically a single mother for this year, I feel so incredibly blessed. Christian is being a pain these days because a tooth is cutting through... Or a couple of teeth are. But running on no sleep is something you just get used to, as any mother knows. I just still can't believe my "little" 20 pound baby is 6 months old already! Time sure does fly!

They Grow Up So Fast!

2010-04-24T00:52:00.002-04:00

Christian started crawling today. He has been scooting around like a madman lately and today it evolved into a full on crawl. 4 times I had to go down the hallway to chase him down, on several occasions I had to rescue our husky from his death grip and one time had to stop him from assaulting Zoey. I did that for his safety, not hers. Its so bittersweet to see him making such leaps and bounds developmentally. I am so proud of him and he amazes me every single day with every little thing that he does. I still can't believe he is MY SON. It is just crazy to me. In a week he will be 6 months old. 6 months. Half a year. This time last year I was just barely pregnant, about to round out the first trimester. And now I have this sweet smiling boy crawling all over, getting into everything, putting everything into his mouth. I read someones post on a message board that they loved their kids but hated being a mother. That is just not a feeling I can understand. I love my son so much. And I love being his mother. I love every little thing that comes along with it. I love breastfeeding. Everytime he gets hungry, I love being able to just sit with him and feed him. I nourished him with my body for 9 months and get to continue that with breastfeeding. I love diaper changes. I love bathtimes. I love taking walks with him. I love taking hundreds of pictures of him. I love seeing him interact with new people. He is so sociable. I just feel like being a mother is something I was always meant to do. Today I was walking the dogs and Christian was in the stroller and a stray dog was basically following us around. At one point it came up to us. Not agressively by any means, but any stray dog is a dog to be avoided in my opinion. My dogs would not let him get close to us, Laydie is incredibly protective and territorial of her people. But I did not want that dog getting close to my son. I pulled my dogs in close and stopped the stroller and stood between the dog and my son and my dogs. Animal control was trying to catch the dog so he ran off pretty quickly. But for someone like me, who was attacked by a dog when I was younger, to put myself between a strange dog and Christian... It just speaks volumes to me about how important he really is to me. I dont know where this rambling is headed. But I just feel at times that I could just implode with love for this little boy.

Boredom

2010-04-07T21:15:00.002-04:00

I dont know if I am just missing my husband. I dont know if I have a general interest in anything and everything under the sun. I dont know. In the last month I have thought and researched a few hobbies that I might be interested in trying. My list includes: making candles, making cloth diapers, making soaps, making other beauty products, adopting another pet, fostering an animal, starting an animal rescue, volunteering at the humane society, starting up a photography business, taking a road trip to Oregon, rearranging the entire house, scrapbooking etc... The list goes on and on, and on... I dont know what it is. You would think that with 1 dog undergoing heartworm treatment, another dog that is just insane, 2 cats that are everywhere and a baby that is starting to crawl I would barely have time to pee in the day. Some days, I do barely have time to pee. But other days I spend hours cleaning the house and then hours online trying to find something. I just need to DO something. Anything! Life was so much more interesting when Sean was home. Granted, it was pre-baby, but we would just up and go to Savannah and just walk around downtown with the dogs. It wasnt much but it was something to break up the monotony of the day. Now, I get an itch to just do something so I take the baby to Walmart... Yay? He is getting to a point where he is much more managable in the car so I will probably start taking drives around and just taking pictures. I dont know.

The Best Part Of Being A Mother?

2010-03-28T20:51:00.002-04:00

During a conversation with a single, 21 year old friend the question "why do you love being a mother?" came up. I couldnt think of anything on the spot to explain the wonder of being a mommy. I still cant quite come up with words that explain it well enough. But I figured I would give it a try.

Its an unconditional love that you will never understand until you feel it. I love my mom, I love my husband, I love my pets, I love my friends and family. I thought I knew what love was. I didn't. I had no idea. And then a 7lb 12.9oz baby boy came into my world and I knew. I know what love is now. Even when I am utterly exhausted and frustrated beyond all belief, all it takes is one little smile on his adorable chubby face for me to be happy. Or just one little hand reaching up and touching my face while he nurses himself to sleep. He wakes up from his nap and cries, I go in and say "hi munchkin!" and his face lights up and I just melt. I love watching him grow, play and learn. I love when he makes a new discovery and cant stop doing it. He likes to munch on his toes. He laughs at me when I dance around the house like a crazy woman, singing Taylor Swift horribly off key. He loves me for just being his mommy. All I have to do is change his diaper, feed him, play with him and occasionally cuddle him and he loves me. Babies understand unconditional love way better than adults do. The day I gave birth to him, its like I woke up. Everything in my life up until that point meant absolutely nothing. Because I have to be his everything.

3 months down

2010-03-24T16:55:00.002-04:00

And 9 more to go. Bleh. During the day I will look at a clock and go "oh wow its already 5?" And it feels like the day has just sped right on by me. I was hoping this would make the year feels like its going by faster but MAN. Only 3 months!? Well about 3.5. Whoopy! I am glad that R&R is coming up in August, that feels like a much more attainable goal than 9 months. I am wanting to do something special as a "welcome home"...for two weeks kind of thing. I am just not sure. I know he will be happy just being home with me and the baby but I want it to be extra extra special. Ideas welcome ;)

I just cant wait for it to be done. I cant wait for my mom to come visit in a few weeks. Should be fun, and it will make the time pass faster. And in July I would like to go home for a weekend just to go home for a bit. I just need something to look forward to between now and when Sean comes home. I should take up a hobby. I am not a patient person, it is just not in my nature. And this is really bad because I have no control over it. Like, if i want to go home to Oregon, I could just go. If I miss my mom or my sister, I go, or have them come out here. Its something that I CAN do. But I want to see my husband, I cant just GO to Iraq, he cant just come here. There are times everyday I wish I could just pick up the phone and call him and say hi, or tell him about something Christian did, or vent about something. But I cant. There are days that are going to hell and I know just a hug from him would make it better. Or if he was here to do one of the many chores, it would make my day a little easier. Hats off to single moms. I dont know how I would do everything I do all the time. Sometimes the only thing getting me through a day is knowing that this is just a year, and then he will be back. Single moms dont have that. They do it, all day every day, every year. And work while doing everything. This year will be hard enough, I cant imagine doing it all the time.

Fear

2010-03-09T10:56:00.003-05:00

Fear. Its something we all live with from time to time. As a mother, I am scared of something happening to my son, something happening to me and leaving my son without a mother... And the fear that every military wife lives with-that knock at the door. Sometimes I forget I am expecting a package or the propane guy and i hear that knock and my heart jumps in my throat. Its a horrible feeling. Even worse is when you dont hear from your husband in a few days. Some women go weeks without hearing from theirs, and here I am worrying over 2 days. I know there are reasons he might not be able to get to a computer. For instance, he works, so he could just have a lot of work and cant get to the computer or phone. He has internet in his room but it goes out a lot, plus the wireless on his laptop crapped out so he has to go to the common area to use those computers. There are thousands of reasons why he hasnt called or messaged, but one reason is one that scares me the most. The very small possibility that he cant get to a phone because he is dead. Its harsh, but its a possibility. He is in a war zone, in the middle of it. Yea, he is on base, he says he is relatively safe, but how safe can it really be? I am trying to distract myself, checking my computer often, my phone is on the loudest possible ringtone, and it is never more than 5 feet away from me. What I would give to log in to facebook and just see a new status update from him or even see on myspace that he logged in today or something. Gosh this is horrible.

Running on Autopilot

2010-03-06T00:24:00.002-05:00

Thats how I feel. I feel like I just woke up out of a deep long slumber, or that I am trying to wake up. I dont really know what happened but I was looking at my dog Laydie in her kennel and just thinking how sad she was. It was a realization that I havent paid much attention to her since we started her treatment. I give her treats, I feed her, give her water, take her outside. Same with Romeo. And the cats. And my son. I feel like I go through all the motions of living life but I am not LIVING. I have had a lot of those realizations moments of "this is MY life" and looking in the mirror realizing thats ME staring back. Its a hard thing to describe and sometimes an even harder thing to experience. I get woken up every morning by my happy smiling son. I get him up, change his diaper, put him in his bouncer or exersaucer while mommy takes a moment to stretch and get something to drink. Then the dogs go outside for a bit, I talk to Sean on skype, then Christian gets a nap. I keep talking to Sean for a lot of the morning, and virtually my entire day is just feed baby, put baby down for nap, take dogs outside, feed dogs, feed cats, feed baby, naptime again. Its just this never ending cycle that I just do. I honestly dont remember the last time I THOUGHT about doing something. As in, debated whether or not to take the dogs out. No, its just grab leash, hook dog up and go. There is no thought process. I call my mom and sister every day, sometimes several times a day. Half the time i dont realize I am calling them until they answer... I dont know what this funk is that I am in but I would love to get out of it. I dont want to wake up tomorrow and have my son off to college and me not remember anything because I wasnt really there...

I Bet Even Superman Needs Breaks

2010-03-03T16:32:00.002-05:00

And so does SuperMommy. I dont want to brag, but I feel like I am taking this deployment thing relatively well. I have pretty much adjusted to doing it all on my own. There are days when I feel like "if one more thing goes wrong..." but there are those days when everything works out just right...

Today is one of those "wrong" days. I got up at 8 this morning, and for most average americans, especially those with kids, this is "sleeping in". Well I lucked out and got a baby that sleeps in till 10 most days-takes after his father and I. Today I get up at 8 after going to sleep at 1... 7 hours, not bad right? Wrong. At least thats wrong when your baby is going through a growth spurt from...uh-heck. I think the longest amount of consistent sleep I got last night was an hour and a half. And that is being generous. But at least Christian wasnt the reason I got up, he wanted to sleep longer. Yea, after an entire night of keeping me up wanting to nurse all the time, he decided to sleep when mommy cant. Kids, cant live with them, cant... find a babysitter. But I got up at 8, ate a little food. Then Christian decided to wake up. I got him up, changed into a fresh new diaper, put an outfit on him and went about getting ready to go to the store and the post office and meet up with someone who wanted to buy some cloth diapers from me. Everything was going ok. He let me put make up on even! He started fussing a bit before we left, but was ok once we got going in the car. Paid the power bill, went to the natural foods store to pick up some teething tablets, sent off a package to daddy at the post office, met with the person to sell the diapers, went to walmart to get some laundry stuff and some dog treats... He was amazing during all of this! He even fell asleep in Walmart, and then slept on the drive home.

Then we went home. Before I explain what was wrong when I got home, I should explain that our dog Laydie is undergoing treatment for heartworms. She has to stay calm for 6 weeks after her treatment is all over. Since she cant be trusted to stay calm on her own, she gets crated in the kitchen, except for restricted walks to go potty and eat. Well I walk into the house and first thing I notice is Romeo, our other dog, is not barking. Thats weird, the only time he barks is when mommy comes home. Then I see Laydie. In the living room, her kennel is in the living room as well. One side of it was knocked out, and she got her collar stuck on one of the hooks and dragged the whole kennel into the living room... Romeo was stuck in the guest room, and the cats were sticking their paws under the door at him, taunting him... What would i do without my animals? Oh yea, I know... Relax.

Adventures In Mommyhood

2010-02-11T00:59:00.002-05:00

This happened 2 days ago and I have finally recovered enough to laugh about it. First thing in the morning I get up and see that Romeo, our pom/chi mix had pooped in the house. I clean it up best I can but really needed to shampoo those areas. Then I go to do a load of laundry and throw in some towels. I forgot I had used one of them to clean up some Dawn dishsoap that had spilled when it fell off of the washing machine. I have never seen so many suds as I did in my machine! I opened the door to the front loading machine and let the suds spill out into a bucket and tried to scoop more of it out. Christian started fussing and I just called out to him that I would be just a second more. He quieted down and went back to playing in his exersaucer. Maybe 5 minutes later I go check on him and the dogs are sniffing at the bottom of the exersaucer. I go and look and there is poop all down christians legs and one the bottom of the exersaucer. Oh my god, it was so gross. I ended up just putting him in the tub instead of trying to clean it up. I had to use pampers for a few days because my cloth diaper covers were either torn, missing or dirty. And pampers failed me 5 times in 2 or 3 days of using them!! Looking back now, I laugh. But then? I was ready to scream!

Surviving a Deployment Part 2

2010-02-06T20:52:00.003-05:00

There are hard days, and there are good days. Today was a good day. I got a lot of housework done and most of the laundry caught up. Christian was a little fussy for nap times but that is kind of his new thing these days. The dogs were good, playing in the house. It was a good day. Then the night came. I dont know quite what happened but its like 8 o clock hit, Christian and I had just taken a nice relaxing little bath, and I put Christian to bed in our room and I got a moment to go sit out in the living room and just chill out and... I dont know what it is, maybe its too quiet, maybe its too clean and it just feels emptier but I just feel more alone tonight than I have in awhile. I mean, I read someones facebook status about supporting our troops and it made me tear up. And I have that feeling now like I could just bawl my eyes out at the drop of a hat. I dont know if I just need someone to talk to... I dont really have much to talk about... I know its just because I miss Sean, but I try to find some other reason so that it is not so hard to deal with. Just knowing that the only thing that would make me feel better is the one thing I cant have just makes it that much harder. I just want this all to be over with finally. I just want to hug my husband. I just want to wake up in the morning and look over and see him snoring away. But for now all I have is our adorable son. It helps that he looks like his daddy, but at the same time it hurts to realize all that daddy is missing out on while he is away... This year needs to end already.

Surviving A Deployment (Part One)

2010-01-24T22:53:00.003-05:00

So about a month has gone by since my wonderful husband left for Iraq. The day after he left, I got my mom from the airport and the day after that I flew to Oregon for the holidays. Because of scheduling with my mom and a few other reasons, I ended up staying for 3 weeks. I stayed at my moms house with her, my two sisters, my niece and nephew and my sisters boyfriend. Needless to say, by the time those three weeks were up, I was so ready to be home. I loved being home in Oregon. It will always be home to me, but I was ready to be in my own home, my own bed, with my animals, and my kitchen, drive my own car, shower in my own bathroom. I just wanted to be in the home that my husband and I had built together. It makes me feel much closer to him to be here. Georgia is my home now, as much as I hate the place. Well, hate is a strong word but I really really don't like this place. The way they do things is so different in many ways. We really would like to PCS to another base but since my hubby is deployed, we cant file that particular paperwork just yet, at least he doesnt seem to think he can.

As far as the deployment... Its harder than I thought and easier than I thought at the same time. There are days when I am just ready to pull all my hair out, Christian is crying his eyes out, the dogs are peeing and pooping all over the house because I have not been able to take them out because the baby is my priority and when he wants to be held all day, its hard to do much else. DH thought we were going to be able to PCS much sooner, so when we got married I didnt really make an effort to make many friends around here, simply because it was so hard to leave my friends and family back in Oregon that I didnt want to make friends that I knew I would be leaving soon. Well the PCS thing fell through because he was so close to a deployment, and we kept getting told that we could PCS, then we didnt have enough time, then that we did have enough time, then that he was "locked in" and then we were told that we couldnt. It was a huge roller coaster from the beginning and I was pregnant with Christian so I was hormonal and kept getting lied to. It was so stressful on me and Sean. But basically I didnt make any friends before Sean was ready to deploy because of the whole PCS thing, and now I really wish I had... It would be nice to have someone to call that knows what I am going through, or just have an adult conversation. I thank god for APA. There can be some drama but it gives me an escape. People might think I am a loser for all my online friendships or whatever but when you are 3000 miles away from your family, with no friends nearby and a deployed husband and a newborn, then you can judge me.

Then there were the "definitive" dates for the deployment, at first it was January 15th. Then it got moved up to December 22nd, right before Christmas. I was so pissed. I just dont understand why they could not just move it back a week, or even a few days! My sons first Christmas was going to be without his dad, and that sucks! Then the deployment got moved up another week. At first I thought, I wont go home. I need to stay with my son in Georgia and get used to life as a single mother essentially. Then I decided I didnt want Christian to spend his first Christmas to be just with me. He may not remember it but I wanted it to be special. Plus I knew my mom and everyone would want to see him. So I made the decision to go home for support. I know a lot of wives debate about moving home during a deployment and I will never tell another wife to move home for that year or however long the deployment is. Yea, it was nice to see my family but the "support" I needed just wasnt there. My family didnt understand any of it, and they were so caught up in their own lives to really let me talk about what was going on for me. I cant hold it against them though, I understand that sometimes its hard to help other people when you have too much on your plate. Not every family is like that, some may be great help during a deployment but I just much prefer being in my "home".

Saying goodbye was the hardest thing ever. He had to be there at like 4am or some rediculous time. They were supposed to go do all their paperwork at 6 or something but we ended up stanidng around for a lot longer than that. I had Christian in the Moby wrap, and he slept most of the time. Sean had me take him out once so he could hold him and say his goodbye to him. The anticipation of waiting was almost harder than the actual goodbye though. Once it was time for them to go, they went into a formation and then the guys all just came rushing back yelling out to their wives and they had to grab their stuff and just leave. We got maybe 30 seconds to say our actual goodbye. It just really snuck up on me, when we hugged he told me to take care of our son. I tried so hard to hold back tears, but I had to focus on getting Christian back into the car seat and our battery was dead so I needed one of the other wives to give us a jump start. The guys went marching across the street. Seeing them walk away all in their big group made me realize that it was here, he was really leaving. I just broke down. A couple of the other wives were there and really nice, but they were crying just as much as me, if not more, so it was hard to maintain my composure. Once I got in the car to drive home, I just stopped trying to hold it in. I had to pull over on my way home because I couldnt see through my tears. I just realized how alone I was. It was just me and our son (and 4 pets) for the next YEAR. My mom was a single mother and I always said I never wanted to do that, that my kids would know their dad and I would find a man that would be there for us forever. I found that man but his job takes him away from us. Its so hard. I would not wish that feeling of loneliness and despair on anyone.

I gave myself a day to cry and lay around and do nothing but then I had to get ready to go get my mom and then fly home to Oregon. I knew i had to be strong, not just for me, not for Christian, but I needed to be strong for Sean. I dont want him to be over in Iraq thinking about how depressed I am without him here, I know this is hard enough on him, he doesnt need to feel worse because I am sad. I have to be strong for him. The pain of doing this without him has faded over time. Everyone told me I would fall into a routine and I have. There are days that I have to cry, there are days I wanna scream. There are times when I do complain to Sean about something or another but I try to keep it to a minimum. Christian had a little reaction to his vaccines he got and has been screaming for about 4 days now, its getting better, but I broke down a few times to Sean because I couldnt do it anymore. I would love a break but cant have one. When its not Christian needing his momma, the dogs need walked, or the cats need fed, or I need fed, or laundry needs to be done, or I need to wash Christians diapers. Its never ending! My mom has always talked about how she will lay in bed at night and think about how she needs to "get up, shower, make Sarahs lunch, make my lunch, get ready for work, take sarah to school, go to work..." and I always thought she was crazy for just having it so set like that and obsessing over it, but here I sit at night thinking, going to be soon, getting up at 9, take the dogs outside, eat, put Christian down for his nap, shower, feed Christian when he wakes up and get him ready to go to the store for milk and a few other things, naptime again, laundry needs done... Having it all in my head like that makes the time go faster. Finding things to do helps me forget that he is gone. Counting days until he comes home is pointless since we dont know when that will be, or even if we did know, it could change. So I count paydays, I count down the debt we are paying off, I plan out how our tax return will be used, I make lists of things to send him, I make cookies for him... So far scheduling and planning is helping me survive. I miss him everyday and cant wait for him to be home, but so far so good. Next month is my birthday and Valentines day... Wonder what I should do... Well thats all for now, I have a date with a nice fluffy pillow and a chunky 12 week old baby to snuggle with :D

October 31, 2009 Happy Halloween

2009-11-29T22:13:00.005-05:00

I went to my appointment on the 29th of October and was at 1cm and my nurse practitioner told me that the baby was high and she would for sure see me in a week for my next appointment. I jokingly asked what we could do to move the baby down a bit and she said "walk walk walk!" So I did-2 miles or so. We drove to Savannah and walked around River street with the dogs for 2 hours. We parked on the 5th level of a parking garage and took the stairs just for that extra little bit :) We took the dogs home and that night I felt ok. Actually, I felt great. The 2 hour walk didnt tire me out at all-which was weird for me, pregnancy took its toll on me! I had a tiny bit of cramping and bleeding but L&D told me it was normal after pelvic exams, so I thought nothing of it. On the 30th, we were heading back to Savannah to get some nursing bras and a few more baby things. Partway there, I was feeling really strangely crampy, so I had Sean pull over at Loves so I could go to the bathroom. I had to wait in line in the bathroom and I felt like I was peeing myself a little bit-I was so embarrassed! I went into the stall and every time I tried to get up to leave, I would leak a little bit more. Finally I had to just run out of the bathroom and I told Sean "we need to go-now! I think my water broke". We ran to the car and started driving to the hospital. I wanted to go home first to get my bag and change my pants. We got stuck behind some other cars and then got pulled over for speeding by some stupid cop. I was having contractions every 7 minutes or so. When we got home and I got out of the car my water REALLY broke. Without going into horrible detail-I had to change my pants at this point :P I changed, Sean packed a few last minute things into my bag. My water broke around 4:30. I went to the hospital and was monitored for a few hours-we had to wait for a room to open up and get cleaned. By 7 I was at 2-3 cm and 75%. Since my water already broke, they didnt want to check me a whole lot. They started talking about pitocin before I was even in the room. When I got into the room, Sean left to get the camera and give my friend Katie our house key so she could take care of the doggies while we were in the hospital. While he was gone, the babies heart rate went up and they thought I might have an infection. When they checked my temp, they confirmed I did have a slight fever, so they started pitocin then, around 10. I was so scared and Sean still wasnt back when they started me on antibiotics and oxygen. Luckily he did get back in time for the pitocin, I was so scared it was so good to have support there. The contractions were not horrible. They did get pretty unbearable but I still refused the epidural and stuck to my original plan. I got to a point where I needed something though and got a shot of nubain in my IV. It did nothing. I felt all the contractions but slept between them, so I was able to rest up a bit. By 3:30 in the morning I felt like pushing so they screamed at me to push. I hated those nurses, they were screaming at me. I just focused on Sean and he was just encouraging me, telling me I coudl do it. At 4:37 Christian came into the world at 7lbs 12oz and 20.25 inches. Sean was amazing and calming when the nurses were screaming at me. I still pushed harder and faster than I should have and ended with a second degree tear that they had to stitch up. When Christian came out, they put him right on my chest and I remember him feeling kind of squishy but I was so tired and euphoric from the pain just going away that I dont remember what he looked like or anything. He lost color instantly, the cord was around his neck. They took him and weighed and measured him. Then they had to take him to the nursery for an IV and antibiotics. He also came out hungry and they had to give him some formula. I wanted to breastfeed but I was getting stitched up and couldnt go feed him so I consented. I ended up staying in that room for 4 more hours and didnt see Christian that whole time. Then we got to the mother baby unit and i finally saw my son. I was still so tired that I dont remember much about that first night. The second night I remember-it was HELL! He got circumcised in the morning and they said he would sleep for a long time-which he did. But when he woke up he was MAD! He screamed for hours, would not nurse. We were both so tired that we called the nurse in to help and she was no real help at all. When I got home I read about that second night being hell for most people. I appreciate now that the nurses were so hands off with us, so we could find our footing as parents of a newborn, but at the time, man it would have been nice to have some help! Christian luckily breastfed like a champ and the formula he recieved at birth did nothing to hamper our nursing relationship, I was so grateful for that. It felt like he was on the boob 24/7 during those first few weeks and my nipples were bleeding and sore. Every time he latched on, I kind of danced around while the pain subsided. A few times I even tried formula because I was in so much pain I couldnt do it. Then we bought a pump and a nipple shield so I could pump a little so Sean could feed and the shield helped so much!
Those first weeks were tough. Sean had 10 days of paternity leave and then worked for a week or so before getting another 2 weeks of block leave. So he was around to help a lot. He was amazing, he would take Christian out into the living room and sleep with him in the mornings so I could sleep in. He would walk around holding him, trying to keep him quiet so I could get rest, but sometimes he needed to nurse but Sean would try to calm him in other ways and it wouldnt help... It was hard but Christian was still a good baby. He grew so fast, he was 9 lbs by his 2 week appt. He just had his 2 month appt the other day, a few weeks late but he was 16.9 lbs and 25.5 inches long... They grow up so fast!

Dumb Dog Owners

2009-08-07T21:36:00.000-04:00

I just have to vent right now. I take my dogs on at least 3 walks a day. Sometimes more, if it is not too hot. Because of the layout of our neighborhood, we really only have 4 or 5 possible routes to take them on, and all but 2 of those routes involve us walking by this yellow house down the street. Now, we have walked by this house several times, and on our last walk of the day, the owners and their dog have been outside 9/10 times. Well the dog is NEVER on a leash. I have never seen any form of leashing accessories on him. They will sit there and tell him "stay" or "sit" and he does. This does not mean he is a nice or a good dog, it means he is trained. I always had the feeling if he was not being told to stay, he would be after Laydie. Well lo and behold, today his owners were inside, with the door open and the dog was left in their unfenced yard. The dog comes charging up to Laydie, gets right in her face, nose to nose, just staring her down. They he snaps at her! Then he rears back a little and snapps again, she snaps back as well, defending herself like any normal dog would. Romeo is barking, I am screaming at the owners "get your fucking dog!" and someone walks out, calls inside and someone else comes out and calls to the dog. He goes over behind the truck where there are a couple of guys standing and cowers by the guys. These guys just lean on the back of the truck and watch us as I try to gather my bearings, get Romeo to shut up and make sure Laydie is ok. No apologies for their dog attacking my dog, no "are you ok?" to the pregnant woman practically hyperventilating while trying to control her two dogs. Just stares. I get my dogs to come along, and tell the owners "you need to leash that dog". I am terrified of bully type dogs, and this was one of them! I was shaking so bad, I could barely walk. What is wrong with people? I mean, it is clear to me that they were totally aware that the dog was not friendly, they knew he would attack, or they would not have been telling him to stay everytime we walked by. It just pisses me off the stupidity of some people. There are dogs out here in 110 degree weather being tied out with no water or food or shelter. A siberian husky even, and they have tons of fur! I cannot imagine how hot that poor dog must be. People say their dogs are "friendly" and then the dog charges at my dog! Laydie is not friendly with bully type dogs. I am aware of this, and because I know this, I keep her close by whenever any of those breeds are near. She will not instigate a fight, but they snap at her, bark at her, growl at her and she will bark, growl and snap right back. For this reason, she is on a leash, like the law states. I control her, like I am required (by law) to do. The ignorance of people down here when it comes to animals amazes me. Dogs are left in cars in 100 degree heat, tied out 365 days a year, dogs are allowed to roam free off leash all the time, cats are dumped on the side of the road and mate, making more kittens to inhabit the space beneath my house. Then they claim that its all the military coming down here with their pets and just leaving them! Yea, its all our fault! Of the 10+ dogs in my neighborhood that are outside 24/7, I know for a fact that only one of them is owned by a soldier. So 90% of the neglected dogs are local people. VENT OVER! For now

Can I cry?

2009-07-29T16:42:00.001-04:00

Please? I am just so... done. Its not bad enough I have a baby due in November and have to deal with a deployment a month or two later. No, he also has to do rediculous amounts of field training. He did 2 weeks in January, that was fine, we knew about it ahead of time, we dealt with it. That was fine. Right now? Him and 4 other guys had to work a Friday that everyone else on the team got off. Then, those 5 guys got Sautrday off only and had to go into the field 5 AM sunday. 5 days in the field. While they were in the field, the other guys on the team got off early every day and most of them even took 4 day passes! DH was told he would get that extra day that everyone else got some other time... Not now clearly. They get told the day before they are supposed to head out that they will be in the field and it is never a definite amount of time, its "maybe we will come home Tuesday night, Monday morning, but we might just stay out till Friday. And the whole time they are in the field, they dont do anything. DH says they end up just sitting in the woods in the heat getting eaten by mosquitos. They just got back from being in the field (as a team) for 4 more days. So I got last night with him, and he texts me from work saying he will be going back into the field tomorrow. And after that, this raider focus thing starts Saturday... I used to say dealing with all the Army bull crap was worth it because at the end of the day, I still had the man I loved. But now? I dont even have that...

Appointment Tomorrow

2009-07-23T00:21:00.002-04:00

Nothing too exciting, probably just going to be peeing in a cup, getting told I have gained too much weight and scheduling some other testing, I think I have to do the glucose test soon, but I might be wrong. I have no idea if it is required or not.

But I have been to L&D twice now. The first time I was having a racing pulse, and shortness of breath and I was told if it wasnt listed in my little purple pregnancy book they gave me then I needed to go in, so I did. I was also have some painful Braxton Hicks contractions, which I guess they should not hurt so that was fun. They monitored me for a little bit, told me to drink twice as many fluids as I was, and did a quick ultrasound to make sure everything was good in baby land. All was good, he is still a boy :) But it was good to see him doing well, his head was way down in my pelvis which the Dr said would explain any pressure I have been having... Weird, I didnt feel any pressure but if I do I guess its ok?! Yea not too sure about that but oh well, all was good. I felt much better after going in, although any time I step out into the hot Georgia muginess, I feel that same racing pulse and I feel like I need to be carried, its hard to walk in it.

After that first visit, I felt good for a day or two but I notice a humongous decrease in movement from Christian, and even though I was only 23-24 weeks, I felt like something was wrong, so I called my OB and she said its totally normal and all was good, as long as there was a little bit of movement, which there was, like a kick a day. Then I had to call her back later about some rib pain I was having on the right side, and they said (yet again) that if it is not in my purple book to go to L&D, because it seemed like I needed some peace of mind, which I appreciated that they finally understood something was wrong. So I go in again, Christian still wasnt moving but had a good strong heartbeat. My blood pressure was super high (for me) at 127/86 or somewhere along there. And my pulse never dipped below 120, so they monitored me for an hour, and it stayed high but they figured that is "normal" for me. Yea ok. Then the Dr comes in and asks about the rib pain and pokes at me and comes to the conclusion it is Costochondritis, which is basically a really hard word to say that means the cartilage between my ribs is inflamed, causing me pain and discomfort. Normal treatment is a few weeks on anti-inflammatories, but being with child he thought narcotics would be better. Percocet, 325mg. I am so uneasy taking tylenol, much less some narcotic drug I could get addicted to. But I figure if the Dr says its a go, then I will stick to taking 1/2 to sleep, but none during the day. In fact, that 1/2 lasts me pretty much all night and all day, so I will stay there and not take it all the time, I dont like not really knowing what it could do.

Oh and only 26 days till we go to Oregon, so exciting to finally be going home!

Team Blue For Us

2009-06-26T00:20:00.002-04:00

So excited. I knew deep down that it would be a boy and lo and behold :) Turns out a mothers instinct knows best :P But it was still exciting to actually know, and have sonographic proof. Even so, we will definitely be buying a lot of gender neutral stuff, just because there is that tiny chance that the little male genitalia we see on the picture is not what it appears. Pretty sure it is lol but you can never be too safe.

I got asked where I had registered and I honestly never even thought TO register anywhere, we were not going to be able to afford to go home, and we don't have any friends or coworkers out here that would do a baby shower for us, we were just planning on doing it alone. So I called my mommy to get her opinion on if we should register, and she said we probably should just so people could send us stuff that we needed, if they wanted to. Which I guess makes sense.

Fast forward to today. My mom calls and asks how we would feel about her flying us home before our baby boy is born so we can see everyone and also have a baby shower. Inside I was jumping for joy and tearing up at the thought of going home but my pride and guilt got in the way and I said we couldn't let her do that. I would just feel bad, like I owed her or something. Which I know she doesn't feel that way, but I do. But she basically said, either we come home or she and my little sister come out here. So it looks like we will be getting to go home and spend some time with our family and actually celebrate our son. Sean may not get leave, so I am not getting my hopes up, I have had too much disappointment at the hands of the Army this year. I will for sure get to fly to Oregon but he might not. I really hope he does, and I just want everyone to keep us in their thoughts or prayers or whatever you do when you want something good to happen to someone ;) We really need this.

The Big Envelope

2009-06-23T22:27:00.003-04:00

Is on the fridge, screaming at me to open it. But I can't. Not until Sean comes home tomorrow sometime. I feel like dancing. I thought I would have to wait until Thursday but now i dont have to :) Thank goodness. I hate saying "it" or "they" or "the baby"

Tomorrow cannot come soon enough:)

Team Blue? Team Pink? That is the question...

2009-06-22T17:32:00.003-04:00

Which we will not know until the 25th, but tomorrow is the big ultrasound. I could not be more excited to get to see the baby again. Unfortunately, due to some training with the Army, Sean cannot be there with me. I really wish he could because if something is found to be wrong with our baby, I want him there with me. I dont know how I could handle something bad being told to me without him there to hold me up. Also, I would not have to wait to find out what we are having :) But it will be fun to have them write it down so that we can open it together later and it can be a really special moment. I am going to need some serious "don't open the envelope" vibes for a couple of days ha ha. I am tempted to mail it to myself so that I am in no way tempted to open it. Maybe I will send it off without postage, cuz then they will send it back to me and I wont be tempted to open it because it is so far away. The mailboxes here are all by the entrance, which is 2 blocks away for us. And in this heat? No way would I want to make that trek. I am just so excited to be able to stop saying "them" or "the baby" or "it". Our child is not a creepy clown or a random thing. We can use it's name, once we settle on one... But that is a whole other subject in and of itself. We come up with something, someone else has a name that sounds to similar, so we can use it, or we just fall out of love with the name... They will probably be an it for a little bit longer :) I think whoever they are, they know I am talking about them because they are kicking me and punching my bladder right now, it is painfully annoyingly adorable, and I would not give it up for the world.

Oh and going back to this heat... Holy mother of jesus. Our AC is running 24/7 and 9 out of 10 times, I will go turn it off just to see at what temperature it will shut off at and its 80 or more in the house. The poor dogs are getting a walk in the morning before it gets too hot, and taken in the yard once at like 3 or 4 and then a long walk at 8. The poor babies need to get out more but they dont like the heat any more than I do. I am pregnant, they have fur, we feel eachothers pain in a weird way.

So done being the mistress...

2009-06-08T22:53:00.002-04:00

This is how I feel. I feel like my husband is married to the Army and our family takes a back seat 100% of the time. I knew going into this relationship that it would be hard, that our relationship would be tested, but I had no idea how stressful it would all be.

Aside from all the PCS bull crap we have to go through, only to be told it wont happen because basically they think he is just trying to get out of a deployment. Whatever, they can think that. So he gets switched to another team for some reason. Well then last week he was supposed to go to the field to do some training stuff. He gets pulled over, his truck gets towed and he cant go to the field, he has to get his truck out of impound. So he does. He knows he cant make it back in time to go to the field with his team, so he stayed home. His sgt gets all ticked off that he doesnt call or anything. They never have service out there, but he is supposed to call the guy to talk to his answering machine? So Sean gets counciled for the whole getting pulled over thing, and for a few other things, and is even recommended for an article 15 for one of them. The sgt told Sean when he first joined the team that he was willing to look past a previous situation in Iraq that Sean got rank taken away and had to pay a fine for. Thats big of him to look past something he has already paid for and done his time for. Well after all this stuff happens with the pulling over and whatnot, the sgt says to Sean "once a delinquent, always a delinquent", or something along those lines. Really? A delinquent? Come on. He got pulled over. His new sgt clearly does not like Sean just based on one incident on his record. One. In five years. Then this. So thats two. Yep my husband is a big fuck up. They expect Sean to be perfect, that he is always a representative of the Army. You know who else represents the Army? The soldiers that get drunk and drive and kill people doing that. Getting pulled over is hardly something I would get my panties in a wad about. The army expects that Sean be a soldier first and a human last. But for him, its father and husband first, then soldier. I am just so done with all this stress. I love Sean with all my heart and will support him 100% no matter what. I just wish supporting him didnt mean I had to feel this way doing it.

Hypocrites and intolerance

2009-05-20T03:01:00.000-04:00

I am so sick and tired of the back and forth, I dont even know why I continue to go there with this group. Group A says group Z is highly intolerant and they claim to be really tolerant. Group Z is obviously offended by this, and say so. Group Z says similar comments of intolerance about group A and group A gets all mad too. It is just back and forth of people thinking they are right and everyone else is wrong. They both do it, the both say the other is hypocritical and intolerant, and in reality, neither is right and neither is wrong. I just dont freaking understand why people are not entitled to their own opinions anymore. If you happen to say something they disagree with, you are wrong! And will be told so in the most disrespectful way possible. I live by simple motto: live and let live. That is what I do, I just dont understand why people cannot live the same way. Its not hard to be a tolerant, accepting person. It really is not. If you are reading this wondering if I am talking about you, the first step in fixing a problem is admitting that you have one :)

Feeling Rather Hopeless

2009-05-19T17:43:00.003-04:00

Sean was told a few months ago that he could not PCS to Ft Lewis, that we were "locked in" for this CCMERF thing. Well a few weeks ago we were told that they were not locked in and he could PCS at anytime. So he starts going through the steps to PCS. He was told to talk to the commander first, so he tried to do that for 2 weeks, then he gave up and just went to their branch manager. If we were to transfer, Sean would not deploy and therefore would not miss the first year of his first childs life. Well after a game of email tag with the branch manager, he gets told as of September 2009, he is under Stop-Loss/Stop Move category and there is no way that they could possibly get all the PCS stuff done before then. There is literally nothing that we can do to move closer to home. Sean will deploy next year, I will stay here with the baby alone. And to top it all off, we came to the realization that if he does deploy next year, there is no possible way we can save up enough money to move me home for that year. He says that it will only take 3 or 4 months of him being deployed that we could save enough. So for a few months I would be alone, then I could move home for the duration. Everyone keeps saying "give it up to the lord" and "keep praying"... Prayers are not going to make the army get their heads out of their asses and do this, it has not worked so far has it? I am just so upset, I got my hopes up, knowing that I shouldnt, and now I feel really let down. I am just so upset right now, I cannot stop crying.

The Crying Thing

2009-05-04T21:08:00.003-04:00

What is wrong with me? Sean and I were walking the dogs and Romeo did his usualy pain in the butt thing and walked in front of Sean and then walked behind him, so he was trying to tangle Sean into a leash-web. When he does this, I would walk in front of Sean and under Laydie's leash to detangle us. Well when I did that this time Sean stepped on my flip-flopped foot. I just stopped and took a deep breath. And the following situation occured:

"Babe you should not have walked in front of me" says he.

"Don't yell at me!" I sob. And then we walk the rest of the way towards the house and I try to control my cries. We get into the house and I start to calm down. Then I start up a little bit again. Normally when I hormonally cry he will say "Stop crying!" and we laugh and move on... Not this time!

"You're being mean to me!" I cry. Then I run to the bathroom lock the door and cry into a wad of toilet paper for five minutes. Once I calm down I go to the bathroom and mention going to walmart. Then the crying starts again and I start crying about not going to walmart. Sean looks at me just confused as heck and I say: "Don't look at me like that! I know you just think I am a crazy hormonal pregnant lady!" and shut the bedroom door. He comes in the bedroom and actually laughs at me and my crying! Then I yell at him some more and keep crying. Goodness... 6 more months of this... So fun!

Anticipation...

2009-05-01T10:54:00.003-04:00

Is killing me. I know I should get used to it. But today is a big appointment where they do all the exams and check for the heartbeat... Excited about the heartbeat, not so much about the exams ha ha. But I am just waiting around for 1 oclock to roll around so we can leave for the appointment! I cant sit still, I am just freaking out!! Goodness... I should have slept longer!

Why Does 6AM Even Exist

2009-04-29T07:46:00.002-04:00

So that I can hate my life. And lay awake and worry worry worry. My Dr wont give me an ultrasound until 18-20 weeks... Awesome... Only 6-8 weeks before I know for sure my baby doesnt have 2 heads or something. Obviously two heads is an irrational fear lol But I just dont know what is going on in there. I saw the little flutter of a heartbeat at 6 weeks and 3 days but I have not heard or seen it since and I am just worried. Thats what I do. Which stresses me out, which is bad for the baby which worries me more... Its a vicious cycle. I just hope that Sean can get the transfer to Ft Lewis like we want so bad because that would just really relieve some stress on both of us. If the transfer goes through, we will possible be there in 3 or 4 months and I could be closer to home for the birth and everything. Which I would love more than anything. I just keep thinking about giving birth in Georgia and it breaks my heart to think that no one will be there to take the aweful pictures of me looking like crap after going through X hours of labor. Or just being there. I know alot of people complain that their whole family is there and they dont get any time with the baby right at first, but I am not most people. I want my family to be there and hold the baby and ooh and ahh and do all the silly little things that people do with a newborn. God, I just pray that your will be done, but I really hope that your will be that we transfer closer to home :) Please?

What IS that?

2009-04-26T23:29:00.003-04:00

Maybe its just me, or maybe I am really bored and keep thinking of random things but I notice some changes in certain furbabies in the house... Ok all four furbabies in the house. I go to the bathroom, one or more of them will run into the bathroom with me, and if I shut the door before any can join me, they will stand at the door and scratch at the door, reach their paws under the door. Romeo will howl this really pitiful sounding howl. Then I open the door and they all run away... What is that? Shiloh

and Zoey follow me everywhere and meow constantly. It used to be they would lay on the couch and meow if you touch them, but now you look at them, and they will meow. LaydieBug spends more time sleeping under our bed, although when she is up, she is always checking on me. She will be laying on her bed and get up, poke at me with her nose and lay back down. Romeo has always been a momma's boy but now he is up my butt all the time. He follows me from room to room, sleeps right next to me... I mean right next to me. I have to sleep on my side now, and he curls up right against my belly. Its cute but why?! I keep hoping its a good thing that they are "ok" with all my pregnancy-ness and when the baby is here they will all love him/her... Yea... We will see.

First Appointment 4/22/09

2009-04-26T16:30:00.000-04:00

Went in for the first appointment on the 22nd of April. 11 weeks 4 days along. It was about an hour long and the most pointless appoinment I think has ever occured. I got weighed first thing and was somehow 11 pounds heavier than normal... How could that have happened? Not the mass quantities of food I find myself always wanting. Nope, the baby weighs 11 pounds clearly.

Then we go into this little office with the nurse and I fill out a few things of paperwork. LMP, my age and history of drug use. You know, the norm. Then she asked all these questions about my family. Any history of mental retardation? Cancers? Have you ever been diagnosed with depression? Any mental illnesses? Do you do drugs? Have you done drugs? And just a million other things that I am sure are pertinent but I still felt cornered and I probably said no to some really important disease my family carries. And she asked in like, 3 different ways if this was my first child. "Is this your first?" Yes "How many times have you been pregnant but did not carry to term?" Never. "How many children do you have?" One, its still in the uterus. Then after the third degree was done, 7 vials of blood were drawn. 7... Why do they need that much? Then after taking half of the blood in my body I was made to pee in a cup... And for the first time since I found out I was pregnant, I did not need to pee. The one time it would not have been an inconvenience, I couldnt. So I sat in the bathroom for 5 minutes just waiting. I knew it would happen.

For the remainder of the appointment I was told all the things about pregnancy I already knew. We tried for all of three months beforehand and I was one of those excessive symptom checker and POAS addicts that you hear about. So I knew what to expect and what happens when you are pregnant. Yet I still listened. Don't do drugs. Limit Caffeine intake to 1 beverage a day. Drink a gallon of water... Ok so that one was a little new. I mean I was drinking tons of water because I was thirsty but a gallon? Is my child a fish? Then, she asks if I have been having morning sickness, breast tenderness, all the fun stuff. When my answer was "not really" she says that those are signs of a healthy pregnancy. So because I am not bent over a toilet, something is wrong with my baby. Thats not what she said, but thats what I heard. I didnt get to see the baby, didnt hear the heartbeat... Nothing. So I feel like faking some cramping to get an emergency U/S done. I haven't seen the baby since I went in at 6 weeks and 2 days and there was a little flutter of a heartbeat and the baby was measuring a couple of days ahead. Everything was beautiful then, and I had a "cute" left ovary according to the U/S tech. Awesome. That was 6 weeks ago, who knows what has happened since then?! Grr...

Next appointment May 1st. They are going to the breast exam and pap... Yay, I could not be more excited about these things... Sean does not want to be there for all that, and I dont want him there either. But he wants to hear the heartbeat. He wants to be there for the fun stuff... I wanna be there for just the fun stuff too!! No fair, men have the easy jobs.