The Time Has Come...

To say goodbye. To the Army. I am throwing it out there. We didn't discuss if we were going to make a "big announcement" about it or not, but I kind of need a place to put it all down, maybe that will help me stress out less. (sorry if you didn't want me to say anything yet honey :P ) Also we need prayers. If you don't pray, good thoughts would be lovely. If you don't think... You may be dead, so probably not reading this. 

I'm going to be honest and say I have been 'done' with the Army since I was 37 weeks pregnant with our first child and they still sent my husband to NTC 3,000 miles away. (That was over 2 years ago to put it into a timeframe for ya) But the realization that the Army's #1 priority is the Army-and whatever the government is telling them to do-didn't sit well with me-specifically didn't sit well with pregnant me. My son was my #1, and the Army basically disagreed and Momma Bear didn't like that.  But I stuck it out because I love my husband. And he is a soldier, he signed up to defend this great country we live in, which is such an honorable thing to do, that I sucked it up and quit bitching (for the most part). If he could be selfless enough to possibly die for his country I could shut up and support him in that. How and why did I do it? I just did. Because that's what I had to do to be with the man I love, so that my son (and future sons/daughters) can have their father. I didn't like it, but this is the career he had chosen, so it is/was my job to stick by him. As long as he was happy, I would support him.

There came a point where he was not happy. I don't know when/if there was a specific day/event that 'caused it' but my husband was always a pretty laid back, go with the flow, take it all in stride kind of a man. Then I started noticing he wasn't so... Laid back. He has been working on ranking up since we got married basically and it's down to points, and the points for his job are insanely high, he needs to do these courses to get any real amount of points, but with his work schedule, there is no time for doing that if he ever wants to see us-you know, his family. Plus his particular job is "dying"-basically being replaced by civilians doing the same job (for more money) so he would have to reclass for a new job with lower points for promotion, but there would have to be spots open, and that alone could take quite some time-it's all very complicated to me, I don't fully understand it and can guarantee there are some errors in how i am explaining it but you get the gist. Just a lot of red tape-and he has basically been acting as the next rank up for awhile now, but not getting paid as one. He puts in the time, does the work but is still making the same as the soldiers he is in charge of, and it's getting to him. And with rumors of another deployment coming up next summer, someone else with less time on this post and less time in the Army and virtually no leadership skills/knowledge got promoted before him and it's too much even for him.

I missed my husband, I missed having him around. Our son misses him when he works late (which is every.single.day.) and I finally said something. I think that maybe hearing it from me that I could see he wasn't happy is when it clicked that... He wasn't. 


And I can't help feeling like maybe, just maybe, all of the things that are going "wrong" in his chosen career are God's (or the universe's-whatever you believe) way of telling us we don't belong here anymore. Looking back, there are a lot of events that had I thought of it at the time, maybe I should have stopped and listened to that tiny voice but instead of listening we trudged through and stuck it out and ignored that voice and now... We are not doing well in this life that we are living. Something is telling me we should be heading in a WAY different direction than we are now. I don't know how my husband feels about this but I am a big believer in "signs" and there are some big fat ones on this road tellings us to stop and we are going the wrong way.

I am grateful for everything the Army affords/has afforded us-don't get me wrong, there are some amazing benefits to being military. It's just for us, at this point in our lives, the benefits are no longer outweighing the negatives-the financial security is not worth the mental toll it takes on us. I am scared to be away from the job security of the military, not going to lie. I am scared to try to find a job after being a stay at home mom for so long. I am scared we won't be able to sell the house we just bought. I am scared for so many things but I am more excited. To be home. To be free. To be able to decide for ourselves what our priorities in life are, not have someone else telling us what has to be most important. I look forward to spending holidays with each other and the rest of our family instead of alone. 

I don't know how it will all work out. A lot depends on selling this house that we literally JUST bought. I am not looking forward to that process. I wish we had decided a long time ago to 'get out' but... The plan was to stay in indefinitely. Plans change. They have to change. I know it will be tough, money will be tight for a long while I am guessing. I hope my kids like Ramen ;) But it is a necessary move for our family and our marriage. 

I don't want my family to get too excited-things could change, the process could be longer than we think. What if the world really DOES end in 2012?! What then? July 2013 is when he is supposed to "get out" but that doesn't mean we will absolutely be home right away. We are still working out a plan-which is subject to change at any time. Just pray, think good thoughts, hug a tree, dance naked around a tree... I don't really care what you do, just send some positivity our way please :) We need it. I know that everything will work out in the end, I am confident in that but the end is so far away that I need some confidence boosters now.