Surviving a Deployment Part 2

There are hard days, and there are good days. Today was a good day. I got a lot of housework done and most of the laundry caught up. Christian was a little fussy for nap times but that is kind of his new thing these days. The dogs were good, playing in the house. It was a good day. Then the night came. I dont know quite what happened but its like 8 o clock hit, Christian and I had just taken a nice relaxing little bath, and I put Christian to bed in our room and I got a moment to go sit out in the living room and just chill out and... I dont know what it is, maybe its too quiet, maybe its too clean and it just feels emptier but I just feel more alone tonight than I have in awhile. I mean, I read someones facebook status about supporting our troops and it made me tear up. And I have that feeling now like I could just bawl my eyes out at the drop of a hat. I dont know if I just need someone to talk to... I dont really have much to talk about... I know its just because I miss Sean, but I try to find some other reason so that it is not so hard to deal with. Just knowing that the only thing that would make me feel better is the one thing I cant have just makes it that much harder. I just want this all to be over with finally. I just want to hug my husband. I just want to wake up in the morning and look over and see him snoring away. But for now all I have is our adorable son. It helps that he looks like his daddy, but at the same time it hurts to realize all that daddy is missing out on while he is away... This year needs to end already.

Surviving A Deployment (Part One)

So about a month has gone by since my wonderful husband left for Iraq. The day after he left, I got my mom from the airport and the day after that I flew to Oregon for the holidays. Because of scheduling with my mom and a few other reasons, I ended up staying for 3 weeks. I stayed at my moms house with her, my two sisters, my niece and nephew and my sisters boyfriend. Needless to say, by the time those three weeks were up, I was so ready to be home. I loved being home in Oregon. It will always be home to me, but I was ready to be in my own home, my own bed, with my animals, and my kitchen, drive my own car, shower in my own bathroom. I just wanted to be in the home that my husband and I had built together. It makes me feel much closer to him to be here. Georgia is my home now, as much as I hate the place. Well, hate is a strong word but I really really don't like this place. The way they do things is so different in many ways. We really would like to PCS to another base but since my hubby is deployed, we cant file that particular paperwork just yet, at least he doesnt seem to think he can.

As far as the deployment... Its harder than I thought and easier than I thought at the same time. There are days when I am just ready to pull all my hair out, Christian is crying his eyes out, the dogs are peeing and pooping all over the house because I have not been able to take them out because the baby is my priority and when he wants to be held all day, its hard to do much else. DH thought we were going to be able to PCS much sooner, so when we got married I didnt really make an effort to make many friends around here, simply because it was so hard to leave my friends and family back in Oregon that I didnt want to make friends that I knew I would be leaving soon. Well the PCS thing fell through because he was so close to a deployment, and we kept getting told that we could PCS, then we didnt have enough time, then that we did have enough time, then that he was "locked in" and then we were told that we couldnt. It was a huge roller coaster from the beginning and I was pregnant with Christian so I was hormonal and kept getting lied to. It was so stressful on me and Sean. But basically I didnt make any friends before Sean was ready to deploy because of the whole PCS thing, and now I really wish I had... It would be nice to have someone to call that knows what I am going through, or just have an adult conversation. I thank god for APA. There can be some drama but it gives me an escape. People might think I am a loser for all my online friendships or whatever but when you are 3000 miles away from your family, with no friends nearby and a deployed husband and a newborn, then you can judge me.

Then there were the "definitive" dates for the deployment, at first it was January 15th. Then it got moved up to December 22nd, right before Christmas. I was so pissed. I just dont understand why they could not just move it back a week, or even a few days! My sons first Christmas was going to be without his dad, and that sucks! Then the deployment got moved up another week. At first I thought, I wont go home. I need to stay with my son in Georgia and get used to life as a single mother essentially. Then I decided I didnt want Christian to spend his first Christmas to be just with me. He may not remember it but I wanted it to be special. Plus I knew my mom and everyone would want to see him. So I made the decision to go home for support. I know a lot of wives debate about moving home during a deployment and I will never tell another wife to move home for that year or however long the deployment is. Yea, it was nice to see my family but the "support" I needed just wasnt there. My family didnt understand any of it, and they were so caught up in their own lives to really let me talk about what was going on for me. I cant hold it against them though, I understand that sometimes its hard to help other people when you have too much on your plate. Not every family is like that, some may be great help during a deployment but I just much prefer being in my "home".

Saying goodbye was the hardest thing ever. He had to be there at like 4am or some rediculous time. They were supposed to go do all their paperwork at 6 or something but we ended up stanidng around for a lot longer than that. I had Christian in the Moby wrap, and he slept most of the time. Sean had me take him out once so he could hold him and say his goodbye to him. The anticipation of waiting was almost harder than the actual goodbye though. Once it was time for them to go, they went into a formation and then the guys all just came rushing back yelling out to their wives and they had to grab their stuff and just leave. We got maybe 30 seconds to say our actual goodbye. It just really snuck up on me, when we hugged he told me to take care of our son. I tried so hard to hold back tears, but I had to focus on getting Christian back into the car seat and our battery was dead so I needed one of the other wives to give us a jump start. The guys went marching across the street. Seeing them walk away all in their big group made me realize that it was here, he was really leaving. I just broke down. A couple of the other wives were there and really nice, but they were crying just as much as me, if not more, so it was hard to maintain my composure. Once I got in the car to drive home, I just stopped trying to hold it in. I had to pull over on my way home because I couldnt see through my tears. I just realized how alone I was. It was just me and our son (and 4 pets) for the next YEAR. My mom was a single mother and I always said I never wanted to do that, that my kids would know their dad and I would find a man that would be there for us forever. I found that man but his job takes him away from us. Its so hard. I would not wish that feeling of loneliness and despair on anyone.

I gave myself a day to cry and lay around and do nothing but then I had to get ready to go get my mom and then fly home to Oregon. I knew i had to be strong, not just for me, not for Christian, but I needed to be strong for Sean. I dont want him to be over in Iraq thinking about how depressed I am without him here, I know this is hard enough on him, he doesnt need to feel worse because I am sad. I have to be strong for him. The pain of doing this without him has faded over time. Everyone told me I would fall into a routine and I have. There are days that I have to cry, there are days I wanna scream. There are times when I do complain to Sean about something or another but I try to keep it to a minimum. Christian had a little reaction to his vaccines he got and has been screaming for about 4 days now, its getting better, but I broke down a few times to Sean because I couldnt do it anymore. I would love a break but cant have one. When its not Christian needing his momma, the dogs need walked, or the cats need fed, or I need fed, or laundry needs to be done, or I need to wash Christians diapers. Its never ending! My mom has always talked about how she will lay in bed at night and think about how she needs to "get up, shower, make Sarahs lunch, make my lunch, get ready for work, take sarah to school, go to work..." and I always thought she was crazy for just having it so set like that and obsessing over it, but here I sit at night thinking, going to be soon, getting up at 9, take the dogs outside, eat, put Christian down for his nap, shower, feed Christian when he wakes up and get him ready to go to the store for milk and a few other things, naptime again, laundry needs done... Having it all in my head like that makes the time go faster. Finding things to do helps me forget that he is gone. Counting days until he comes home is pointless since we dont know when that will be, or even if we did know, it could change. So I count paydays, I count down the debt we are paying off, I plan out how our tax return will be used, I make lists of things to send him, I make cookies for him... So far scheduling and planning is helping me survive. I miss him everyday and cant wait for him to be home, but so far so good. Next month is my birthday and Valentines day... Wonder what I should do... Well thats all for now, I have a date with a nice fluffy pillow and a chunky 12 week old baby to snuggle with :D

October 31, 2009 Happy Halloween

I went to my appointment on the 29th of October and was at 1cm and my nurse practitioner told me that the baby was high and she would for sure see me in a week for my next appointment. I jokingly asked what we could do to move the baby down a bit and she said "walk walk walk!" So I did-2 miles or so. We drove to Savannah and walked around River street with the dogs for 2 hours. We parked on the 5th level of a parking garage and took the stairs just for that extra little bit :) We took the dogs home and that night I felt ok. Actually, I felt great. The 2 hour walk didnt tire me out at all-which was weird for me, pregnancy took its toll on me! I had a tiny bit of cramping and bleeding but L&D told me it was normal after pelvic exams, so I thought nothing of it. On the 30th, we were heading back to Savannah to get some nursing bras and a few more baby things. Partway there, I was feeling really strangely crampy, so I had Sean pull over at Loves so I could go to the bathroom. I had to wait in line in the bathroom and I felt like I was peeing myself a little bit-I was so embarrassed! I went into the stall and every time I tried to get up to leave, I would leak a little bit more. Finally I had to just run out of the bathroom and I told Sean "we need to go-now! I think my water broke". We ran to the car and started driving to the hospital. I wanted to go home first to get my bag and change my pants. We got stuck behind some other cars and then got pulled over for speeding by some stupid cop. I was having contractions every 7 minutes or so. When we got home and I got out of the car my water REALLY broke. Without going into horrible detail-I had to change my pants at this point :P I changed, Sean packed a few last minute things into my bag. My water broke around 4:30. I went to the hospital and was monitored for a few hours-we had to wait for a room to open up and get cleaned. By 7 I was at 2-3 cm and 75%. Since my water already broke, they didnt want to check me a whole lot. They started talking about pitocin before I was even in the room. When I got into the room, Sean left to get the camera and give my friend Katie our house key so she could take care of the doggies while we were in the hospital. While he was gone, the babies heart rate went up and they thought I might have an infection. When they checked my temp, they confirmed I did have a slight fever, so they started pitocin then, around 10. I was so scared and Sean still wasnt back when they started me on antibiotics and oxygen. Luckily he did get back in time for the pitocin, I was so scared it was so good to have support there. The contractions were not horrible. They did get pretty unbearable but I still refused the epidural and stuck to my original plan. I got to a point where I needed something though and got a shot of nubain in my IV. It did nothing. I felt all the contractions but slept between them, so I was able to rest up a bit. By 3:30 in the morning I felt like pushing so they screamed at me to push. I hated those nurses, they were screaming at me. I just focused on Sean and he was just encouraging me, telling me I coudl do it. At 4:37 Christian came into the world at 7lbs 12oz and 20.25 inches. Sean was amazing and calming when the nurses were screaming at me. I still pushed harder and faster than I should have and ended with a second degree tear that they had to stitch up. When Christian came out, they put him right on my chest and I remember him feeling kind of squishy but I was so tired and euphoric from the pain just going away that I dont remember what he looked like or anything. He lost color instantly, the cord was around his neck. They took him and weighed and measured him. Then they had to take him to the nursery for an IV and antibiotics. He also came out hungry and they had to give him some formula. I wanted to breastfeed but I was getting stitched up and couldnt go feed him so I consented. I ended up staying in that room for 4 more hours and didnt see Christian that whole time. Then we got to the mother baby unit and i finally saw my son. I was still so tired that I dont remember much about that first night. The second night I remember-it was HELL! He got circumcised in the morning and they said he would sleep for a long time-which he did. But when he woke up he was MAD! He screamed for hours, would not nurse. We were both so tired that we called the nurse in to help and she was no real help at all. When I got home I read about that second night being hell for most people. I appreciate now that the nurses were so hands off with us, so we could find our footing as parents of a newborn, but at the time, man it would have been nice to have some help! Christian luckily breastfed like a champ and the formula he recieved at birth did nothing to hamper our nursing relationship, I was so grateful for that. It felt like he was on the boob 24/7 during those first few weeks and my nipples were bleeding and sore. Every time he latched on, I kind of danced around while the pain subsided. A few times I even tried formula because I was in so much pain I couldnt do it. Then we bought a pump and a nipple shield so I could pump a little so Sean could feed and the shield helped so much!
Those first weeks were tough. Sean had 10 days of paternity leave and then worked for a week or so before getting another 2 weeks of block leave. So he was around to help a lot. He was amazing, he would take Christian out into the living room and sleep with him in the mornings so I could sleep in. He would walk around holding him, trying to keep him quiet so I could get rest, but sometimes he needed to nurse but Sean would try to calm him in other ways and it wouldnt help... It was hard but Christian was still a good baby. He grew so fast, he was 9 lbs by his 2 week appt. He just had his 2 month appt the other day, a few weeks late but he was 16.9 lbs and 25.5 inches long... They grow up so fast!

Dumb Dog Owners

I just have to vent right now. I take my dogs on at least 3 walks a day. Sometimes more, if it is not too hot. Because of the layout of our neighborhood, we really only have 4 or 5 possible routes to take them on, and all but 2 of those routes involve us walking by this yellow house down the street. Now, we have walked by this house several times, and on our last walk of the day, the owners and their dog have been outside 9/10 times. Well the dog is NEVER on a leash. I have never seen any form of leashing accessories on him. They will sit there and tell him "stay" or "sit" and he does. This does not mean he is a nice or a good dog, it means he is trained. I always had the feeling if he was not being told to stay, he would be after Laydie. Well lo and behold, today his owners were inside, with the door open and the dog was left in their unfenced yard. The dog comes charging up to Laydie, gets right in her face, nose to nose, just staring her down. They he snaps at her! Then he rears back a little and snapps again, she snaps back as well, defending herself like any normal dog would. Romeo is barking, I am screaming at the owners "get your fucking dog!" and someone walks out, calls inside and someone else comes out and calls to the dog. He goes over behind the truck where there are a couple of guys standing and cowers by the guys. These guys just lean on the back of the truck and watch us as I try to gather my bearings, get Romeo to shut up and make sure Laydie is ok. No apologies for their dog attacking my dog, no "are you ok?" to the pregnant woman practically hyperventilating while trying to control her two dogs. Just stares. I get my dogs to come along, and tell the owners "you need to leash that dog". I am terrified of bully type dogs, and this was one of them! I was shaking so bad, I could barely walk. What is wrong with people? I mean, it is clear to me that they were totally aware that the dog was not friendly, they knew he would attack, or they would not have been telling him to stay everytime we walked by. It just pisses me off the stupidity of some people. There are dogs out here in 110 degree weather being tied out with no water or food or shelter. A siberian husky even, and they have tons of fur! I cannot imagine how hot that poor dog must be. People say their dogs are "friendly" and then the dog charges at my dog! Laydie is not friendly with bully type dogs. I am aware of this, and because I know this, I keep her close by whenever any of those breeds are near. She will not instigate a fight, but they snap at her, bark at her, growl at her and she will bark, growl and snap right back. For this reason, she is on a leash, like the law states. I control her, like I am required (by law) to do. The ignorance of people down here when it comes to animals amazes me. Dogs are left in cars in 100 degree heat, tied out 365 days a year, dogs are allowed to roam free off leash all the time, cats are dumped on the side of the road and mate, making more kittens to inhabit the space beneath my house. Then they claim that its all the military coming down here with their pets and just leaving them! Yea, its all our fault! Of the 10+ dogs in my neighborhood that are outside 24/7, I know for a fact that only one of them is owned by a soldier. So 90% of the neglected dogs are local people. VENT OVER! For now

Can I cry?

Please? I am just so... done. Its not bad enough I have a baby due in November and have to deal with a deployment a month or two later. No, he also has to do rediculous amounts of field training. He did 2 weeks in January, that was fine, we knew about it ahead of time, we dealt with it. That was fine. Right now? Him and 4 other guys had to work a Friday that everyone else on the team got off. Then, those 5 guys got Sautrday off only and had to go into the field 5 AM sunday. 5 days in the field. While they were in the field, the other guys on the team got off early every day and most of them even took 4 day passes! DH was told he would get that extra day that everyone else got some other time... Not now clearly. They get told the day before they are supposed to head out that they will be in the field and it is never a definite amount of time, its "maybe we will come home Tuesday night, Monday morning, but we might just stay out till Friday. And the whole time they are in the field, they dont do anything. DH says they end up just sitting in the woods in the heat getting eaten by mosquitos. They just got back from being in the field (as a team) for 4 more days. So I got last night with him, and he texts me from work saying he will be going back into the field tomorrow. And after that, this raider focus thing starts Saturday... I used to say dealing with all the Army bull crap was worth it because at the end of the day, I still had the man I loved. But now? I dont even have that...

Appointment Tomorrow

Nothing too exciting, probably just going to be peeing in a cup, getting told I have gained too much weight and scheduling some other testing, I think I have to do the glucose test soon, but I might be wrong. I have no idea if it is required or not.

But I have been to L&D twice now. The first time I was having a racing pulse, and shortness of breath and I was told if it wasnt listed in my little purple pregnancy book they gave me then I needed to go in, so I did. I was also have some painful Braxton Hicks contractions, which I guess they should not hurt so that was fun. They monitored me for a little bit, told me to drink twice as many fluids as I was, and did a quick ultrasound to make sure everything was good in baby land. All was good, he is still a boy :) But it was good to see him doing well, his head was way down in my pelvis which the Dr said would explain any pressure I have been having... Weird, I didnt feel any pressure but if I do I guess its ok?! Yea not too sure about that but oh well, all was good. I felt much better after going in, although any time I step out into the hot Georgia muginess, I feel that same racing pulse and I feel like I need to be carried, its hard to walk in it.

After that first visit, I felt good for a day or two but I notice a humongous decrease in movement from Christian, and even though I was only 23-24 weeks, I felt like something was wrong, so I called my OB and she said its totally normal and all was good, as long as there was a little bit of movement, which there was, like a kick a day. Then I had to call her back later about some rib pain I was having on the right side, and they said (yet again) that if it is not in my purple book to go to L&D, because it seemed like I needed some peace of mind, which I appreciated that they finally understood something was wrong. So I go in again, Christian still wasnt moving but had a good strong heartbeat. My blood pressure was super high (for me) at 127/86 or somewhere along there. And my pulse never dipped below 120, so they monitored me for an hour, and it stayed high but they figured that is "normal" for me. Yea ok. Then the Dr comes in and asks about the rib pain and pokes at me and comes to the conclusion it is Costochondritis, which is basically a really hard word to say that means the cartilage between my ribs is inflamed, causing me pain and discomfort. Normal treatment is a few weeks on anti-inflammatories, but being with child he thought narcotics would be better. Percocet, 325mg. I am so uneasy taking tylenol, much less some narcotic drug I could get addicted to. But I figure if the Dr says its a go, then I will stick to taking 1/2 to sleep, but none during the day. In fact, that 1/2 lasts me pretty much all night and all day, so I will stay there and not take it all the time, I dont like not really knowing what it could do.

Oh and only 26 days till we go to Oregon, so exciting to finally be going home!

Team Blue For Us

So excited. I knew deep down that it would be a boy and lo and behold :) Turns out a mothers instinct knows best :P But it was still exciting to actually know, and have sonographic proof. Even so, we will definitely be buying a lot of gender neutral stuff, just because there is that tiny chance that the little male genitalia we see on the picture is not what it appears. Pretty sure it is lol but you can never be too safe.

I got asked where I had registered and I honestly never even thought TO register anywhere, we were not going to be able to afford to go home, and we don't have any friends or coworkers out here that would do a baby shower for us, we were just planning on doing it alone. So I called my mommy to get her opinion on if we should register, and she said we probably should just so people could send us stuff that we needed, if they wanted to. Which I guess makes sense.

Fast forward to today. My mom calls and asks how we would feel about her flying us home before our baby boy is born so we can see everyone and also have a baby shower. Inside I was jumping for joy and tearing up at the thought of going home but my pride and guilt got in the way and I said we couldn't let her do that. I would just feel bad, like I owed her or something. Which I know she doesn't feel that way, but I do. But she basically said, either we come home or she and my little sister come out here. So it looks like we will be getting to go home and spend some time with our family and actually celebrate our son. Sean may not get leave, so I am not getting my hopes up, I have had too much disappointment at the hands of the Army this year. I will for sure get to fly to Oregon but he might not. I really hope he does, and I just want everyone to keep us in their thoughts or prayers or whatever you do when you want something good to happen to someone ;) We really need this.